It’s good and fair when Pokemon kick my ass

If I molest a wild animal, most sane people would think it has every right to try to beat the shit out of me. The more dangerous this animal is, the more I probably deserve it. Let me ask you: why does a Pokemon lose that right just because it’s a bug with swords for weapons or a duck that can telekinesis? In 26 years, why have Pokemon so rarely used their god-given right to kick my ass?

I’ve spent the best part of three decades invading Pokémon’s personal space to try and shove them into orbs. Wanting to absolutely end myself in response to this is not only understandable; It is fair. But Pokémon never got the option. Instead, they’ve been forced to uphold an arbitrary social contract from which they have no benefit, and vent their grievances in ritualistic turn-based combat against a proxy champion of my choosing. It is unfair. But fortunately inside Pokémon Legends: Arceusit is an injustice that is finally being corrected.

in the Arcus, you hear people repeat a phrase: “Pokemon are scary creatures.” And you’re not wrong to think so. The game is set in the Hisui region centuries ago, before humankind learned to build a society of peaceful coexistence with Pokémon. Unlike previous games, Pokémon are killing people out here. Some villagers have been traumatized by wild Pokémon attacks; others have lost entire communities. These are people who have endured tragedy, and their city has its own security corps to prevent the very real monsters running rampage just outside their walls. Characters casually warn you how quickly you’ll be snapped out of the deadly spiral if you enter a Pokémon’s territory unprepared.

The message is clear: Fucking around with Pokémon is a great way to get mauled.

Image: Game Freak/The Pokémon Company, Nintendo via Polygon

Don’t overdo it. Leaving Jubilife Village means traveling through a wilderness populated by a hundred different types of minor apocalypses. in the Arcus, wild Pokemon don’t waste time waiting patiently until I’m ready to battle. They’re aiming straight at me. They react exactly as they should when a blank-eyed youth thrashes through their natural habitat: not on my terms, but on theirs. Which creatures with daggers instead of feathers and axes instead of hands tend to involve instantaneous and unrelenting violence. Especially if the intruder is just some guy.

But where the villagers might be appalled, I’m thrilled. My mind is from the future and my body is ready. I’ve been preparing for this for almost as long as I’ve been alive. A quarter century of Pokedex entries have taught me that Pokémon are capable of truly amazing feats, almost all of which would be amazingly deadly to a human. in the Arcus You can finally use these powers against me, and I absolutely applaud that.

To startle a Geodude, dodge a sudden downpour of flung boulders. If I walk too close to a Luxio pack I have a good chance of getting paralyzed before being mauled by electric lions. Even naturally docile Pokémon species are not without risk. If I come across a Bidoof that’s one of the Territorial Alpha variants, he won’t hesitate to use those oversized incisors on me.

Can the Pokemon actually kill me? No – if I get hit enough I’ll be dragged unconscious back to the safety of a campsite. But I support them for trying. They defend their autonomy. They balance a power imbalance that has existed for decades. You get a chance to respond to my mild torment of a quarter century. If I’m guided to an early grave by an Alpha Snorlax Hyperbeam, I won’t regret it.

Perhaps Pokémon’s newfound willingness to attack on sight isn’t the moral victory for everyone else it is for me, but it certainly resonates with many people. And they share clips of these terrifying encounters:

Meanwhile, fan artists and memesmith took the opportunity to show compassion through crafting:

And Pokémon’s bloodthirst even proved that nothing brings people together like a common enemy—an enemy like our new universal nemesis, Paras:

The Pokémon games have been played with different mechanics over the years, so who knows how long wild Pokémon can enjoy their long-delayed revenge. But it’s an inclusion I’m glad we got to see, no matter how long it lasts. It gives Pokémon some credibility – they’re active forces in their world, not just passive collectibles.

Pokémon is obviously a child medium. Addressing any form of lethality, let alone the mortal danger posed by your 900+ custom-made species of deeply dangerous wildlife, is a tricky proposition. So, whoever is responsible for this, thank you, sincerely, for letting your Pokemon kick my ass.