So, the long-awaited next foray into the world of Arkham, suicide squad, which, from what we’ve seen so far, appears to be a pretty miserable experience. A screenshot circulating on Twitter puts the spotlight on a set of dull-looking stat modifiers that read like a technical manual for Transistor. The fact that it’s a live-service heist shooter with no real single-player mode (“teaming with robots” doesn’t count), and the dire red flags that require a constant internet connection to run, shows just how far Rocksteady has strayed from the light. Arkham Lights “actually the Metroidvania” sanctuary, the lone jewel in the crown of Batman-themed video games, sits, frankly, amidst a litter of junk.
I know people are going to throw carrots at me at this point because I’m suggesting that Arkham City isn’t as good as the Arkham “you know it’s Metroidvania” shelter, but don’t worry, I’m only suggesting it because it’s true of. The last thing Arkham’s “like 3D Metroidvania! Wow!” need for refuge is bloat: Frankly, Arkham City is where the rot starts to rot in that regard.
Of course, you can’t blame them. After a tense, long night in the worst hospital on Earth, where else could a video game sequel go but hit the streets? The only way is “more”. A more open world. More rogue galleries. More, sigh, hours of playtime. To be fair, for Arkham City, it does often feel like a series of Shelter-style vignettes connected by the center of the world, but in Game 4, when we were in Batman’s car around a While abandoned Gotham screams (by popular demand), the magic has fully unraveled.
And so ends the fleeting, anomalous, feverish dream of a wonderful Batman game, something I’ve only dreamed about since playing the dreaded Tim Burton sidekick on the Amiga (it has a cool spot where you turn the Batmobile through Grab the lamp post, we all love it because it’s kind of from the movie, stretches over the entire game sequence, but once you get away from the motor, it’s crap).
Nothing worth going back to Arkham Verse. Not even Kevin Conroy made his last posthumous appearance, as he arguably did the role better than anyone else, considering his final turn in the cape will How tragic it is to be part of something so heartless, like the Destiny clone based on Suicide Squad, all jerk things.
But you see, adaptations of Batman outside of the comic book world have always been a very complicated package. For every Tim Burton’s Batman, there’s a Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin. And, listen, if you want me to sympathize with an orphan nobleman whose buddies build gadgets for him to aid in his wrongful vengeance, at least do it in a beautiful Italian Renaissance cityscape, and not otherwise A boring fucking composite 1970s American urban decay.
If you want a big, bold Batman, and no shit, you can do worse things than play Assassin’s Creed 2 all over again. He even has a glider, sort of like a batwing, but without a stupid name. In another mission, he starts riding around on a Renaissance tank, which is probably the lowest point of the entire Ezio trilogy, but it’s a bit of a tumbler, isn’t it? Ezio is essentially Batman and could use better tomatoes.
Assassin’s Creed 2 is a Batman adventure game with all the harrowing backstories and all the harrowing backstories you might Will Ask’s Quest for Justice because, well, there’s sunshine, beautiful architecture, and a little bit of brutishness. It’s not the live service crap that’s made me lose the will to live, so I’ll be back in Florence before I set foot in the Arkham Universe again.
We know Ezio may not know what a tomato is, please leave it blank.