When I first put my eyes (and ears) on a children of the forestThe radios, I don’t know, I’ll be guiding them through the forest in a few hours. And I certainly didn’t anticipate that these devices would lead me down strange gravitational and physics-defying paths.
I’m determined to bring its tunes to my base – after all, production is so important when it has its own soundtrack. What I didn’t expect was that while you could turn on the radios and collect them to use as circuit boards, the Children of the Forest steadfastly refused to let you carry them.
Instead, it puts buckets and trash bags in the same non-collectible decoration category. The latest patch has, I can confirm, “Fixed Kelvin dropping radios destroying radios”. Instead, this usually affable NPC will carry them for a short period of time. Then he’d throw it into another dimension, never to be heard again.
I’ve tried kicking the radio before, just for fun, and accidentally discovered that it was waterproof in the process (don’t ask). But then I wondered – what if I just kept going? I decided to abuse the physics engine and kick the radio all the way back to my base. However, since the previous radio was a permanent resident of the Phantom Zone, I needed to find a new speaker. Luckily, I found the main lode: stumbling into a cannibal camp with three radios, all ready to spread around the map.
The cannibal itself is nowhere to be found. This particular run I did in peaceful mode so I didn’t have to worry about my face getting eaten. For a while, things were going well, albeit slowly.
I took Kelvin for a ride and asked him to cut down trees. Yes, the Son of the Forest radio is surprisingly waterproof, but I was determined to do things the right way. So I go out of my way to build ramps and/or bridges over any river I come across.Take that, death stranding, with your energy drinks and your stupidity Riding with Norman Reedus shower curtain.
That’s the plan, as I kick the first of three radios towards my base. Things were going well until, a few meters from my first ramp, the first radio grazed the edge of a log and exploded. Silence filled the forest (the radio kept humming when I started it), leaving me with a sad-looking circuit board.
The second one wasn’t much better. I managed to cross the river and was dribbling to headquarters when it clipped right on a rock. I could hear it playing somewhere beneath me – while it might be useful to future archaeologists, it didn’t work for me.
Third time lucky, I think. I was too lazy to open it, so when it too was swallowed by Earth, I sullenly started the trek back to the cannibal center. I wandered past the old radio, still playing its music, and a weird ad or two.
Suddenly, it occurred to me: I need Kelvin. I dashed over to find myself happily plundering the forest with the bleeding ear savior ax in my hand. I led him to the buried radio and ordered him to pick it up and throw it at my feet.
Out of joy, he retrieved it and I moved on, kicking the precious speaker as I went. I left it for now and started collecting more logs. However, I’ve since changed my mind…however, it’s not because of any environmental issues.
Instead, buoyed up by the power of rock and roll, I decided to throw it straight into the stream as I sat smugly for the return of the radio. Son of the forest, do you think you can steal the rights to rock and roll from me? I will not be rejected!
That’s my train of thought; until the radio hits the stratosphere. I was dumbfounded and suddenly quiet as it crashed on the other side of the stream.
In a way, I’m glad the cannibal cooking area is now radio-free. Plan B was to build a new base next to the radio, but the smell and flies were a bit off-putting. I’ve tried smashing some of the scarier jars, but I just end up with some disturbing chunks of meat. It’s time to move on. Dancing and rotting flesh just don’t quite fit together. I need a better DJ name than MC Murdercamp.
My explorations continued throughout the winter, as I basically put aside trivial needs like food, water, and warmth, and only built fires when ice crystals began to obscure my view. I did steal the dead man’s cereal, but he couldn’t get it past the golf ball in his mouth.
But my further efforts brought only disappointment. I went far with a radio I had stolen from a campsite with a heavy skeleton. Then it’s gone. And then it’s not. It sat in the river, laughed at me, and disappeared whenever I approached.
The next one, borrowed from another camp, just disappeared. Objects seem to glitch and/or disappear once they move too far from the origin. From a programming point of view, this makes a strange sense. The alternative is to have developer Endnight track the position of every object in the game, which could be a nightmare.
So, where is my pursuit of music? With no reasonable options other than Endnight’s tinkering with the ability to carry radios, I went with plan B.
I’m creating a brand new base within earshot of the last radio. There was a picturesque waterfall that we sorted into Halloween decorations that we started rocking while we built. It might not be the endgame I want, but I’ll take it as a win.
