I lived like Mario for a week

Everyone knows Mario is cool. He can run, he can jump, he can trample baddies, he can save princesses, he can play sports, he studied medicine, he can paint, he is the champion in many sports and he is made of paper. There’s nothing Mario can’t do.

And with a billion-dollar film behind him, he may have just made the triple leap to icon. But what does it really take to reach the level of #1 Plumber in the Mushroom Kingdom? I wanted to know.

I don’t resemble Mario, but I could easily model myself in his likeness: red hat, blue jumpsuit, mustache, yay. But become Mario and live up to his claims style, would require greater effort. I would have to inhabit the daily life of Mario.

So, for five days, I set out to find out what it really means to be a plumber, princess rescuer, kart driver, and overall cool guy. This is my story.

Day 1: Mario Time!

Another day, another week, but this time I lived like Mario. It was time to go to work. Normally I would take the subway, but Mario doesn’t do that. He runs everywhere. And like Mario does, so do I. So I walked five miles to work this morning.

I quickly learned that I can’t walk five miles to work. My legs hurt and I was really hot.

When I actually got to work, I just… Well, I had to go to work. I wear Mario’s clothes but work very hard.

I still had to do my job despite living as Mario, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t do Mario’s job too. Mario is all about taking risks, so I found a private bathroom to do my private plumbing.

I dedicated myself to plumbing because Mario is dedicated. I am not a trained plumber. But I think father would be proud.

Next I wanted to get involved a little. My colleague Pat was kind enough to help me build Mario’s signature mystery block. After years of studying Mario and seeing him reach great heights countless times, I knew it had to be done. And I was ready to be just like him.

I jumped. I felt powerful. And higher and higher we went…

After work I went home for dinner. Not my actual home, but Mario’s cultural home, Little Italy.

With a local restaurant I ordered the spaghetti carbonara. But what does Mario do while he waits for his food? are you checking his phone No. twiddle your thumbs? Staring at other people while eating? I did not know it. But I knew Mario loved sangria. (It’s just headcanon. Don’t sue me Nintendo. I just thought it would be really funny for people to see Mario drinking sangria.)

Image: Christina Gayton/Polygon

The pasta came and it was really big. Too large. Mario loves spaghetti but… I really couldn’t finish it all. But I finished my sangria. And felt unstoppable.

With a full stomach I went to my actual home. Where would Mario’s life take me next?

Photo: Simone de Rochefort/Polygon

Day 2: Here we go!

Tuesday was a work-from-home day, so I went with my roommates to get some food. But I had to find spaghetti or mushrooms. No other food would do.

I went to my local deli to find food to match. Lo and behold, most Brooklyn delis don’t offer spaghetti- or mushroom-based dishes for breakfast. So I, Mario, just stood there and waited while my roommates ordered.

I also found that delicatessens do not accept large coins as payment.

Needing something to eat, I went to a larger grocery store that had frozen spaghetti guaranteed. At least, that’s what I thought. As I went through the freezer, I was shocked to find that there was only one spaghetti. Where was the spaghetti??? I needed spaghetti.

This story has a happy ending: I found ALL the spaghetti. Call that a job well done.

Image: Christina Gayton/Polygon

Speaking of jobs, at that point I wasn’t doing my job because I’d been looking for spaghetti for so long.

Day 3: I’m the superstar!

I went back to the office. But this time I didn’t want to run. I had something else in mind. Hello Yoshi.

Photo: Christina Gayton/Polygon

By sitting on this green dinosaur head on a stick, I was able to ride the subway while maintaining the authenticity of Mario. This is true.

When I got to the office I started to work…but was immediately tired without the caffeine. I needed… a power up. But which mushrooms does Mario actually eat? What mushrooms could I eat that wouldn’t kill me? Google had few answers to “mushrooms that get you hyped”.

After purchasing the only mushrooms Whole Foods had to offer, I returned to the office and dived straight into it.

Image: Christina Gayton/Polygon

Eating raw mushrooms didn’t seem like a good idea, and it wasn’t. The texture was mushy. I hated being Mario.

Luckily the day turned around because after work I traveled to Coney Island to do Mario stuff. Karting, golfing, archery – the New York neighborhood is an oasis for someone living as Mario for a week.

Photo: Simone de Rochefort/Polygon

I’ve seen you all over Coney Island. I felt like a celebrity. Even the tables were in Mario colors.

First, I jumped to an archery range to pursue my dreams Mario & Sonic at the Olympics. Sonic wasn’t there but the lady in charge seemed very excited to see Mario. I was really excited to shoot an arrow.

This excitement was short-lived as it turned out I wasn’t good at archery at all. Maybe I didn’t have the physical coordination to be Mario? A wave of disappointment washed over me.

Image: Clayton Ashley/Polygon

Until the very nice lady came back and grabbed a relaxo for me, even though I had hit absolutely nothing!!

Next I went to play golf like Mario used to do. Again a few holes later I started to think: I’m not very good at being Mario.

Photo: Simone de Rochefort/Polygon

Golf is hard. Three over par is not Mario’s style. Besides, golf is boring. And Mario faces it every time someone wants to play Mario Golf. Mario must get out of this endless loop of hole after hole! What a terrible existence.

Luckily I followed golf to karting. When they actually allowed me to buy a ticket, I was thrilled: I don’t have a driver’s license, but it didn’t matter. I doubted there would be a DMV in the Mushroom Kingdom anyway.

Image: Clayton Ashley/Polygon

I drove like a madman!!!!!!!!! A maniac driving at a very reasonable speed that is definitely under the speed limit. The karts went slower than I thought WOW. I felt free. I took the curves. I raced. i was mario

However, a few people passed me, and it seems like they took great pleasure in passing Mario. I guess I’m not an aggressive driver. But I stopped right where I started and that’s a mistake in my book.

Day 4: Waaaaahhhh!

more work.

More spaghetti.

More immersion.

More running.

More jumping.

Today I tried to sprint from side to side but got tired quickly. So I came to the conclusion that maybe Mario is more of a jogger… It’s a marathon, not a race… Wait, a marathon is a race…

Day 5: Game Over!

While my final day also included spaghetti, diving, and jumping, I also wanted to end my Mario week with a bang. My friends are big Mario fans and gamers. You deserve to get to know me. So we all went to the club. With me, Mario.

Mario loves to dance and I loved dancing as Mario. (This is canon because Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix is one thing.) I was so sweaty too.

After a full week of work as Mario, a few things have become clear to me:

1. Adults and children love Mario alike. Seeing Mario on the street brightens people’s days. And it put me in a good mood to see other people so happy.
2. Dogs don’t really seem to care about Mario.
3. When people saw me, they really saw Mario. When I was wearing this I never got a call. Only Mario called. It felt great.
4. Mario brings out the best and the worst in me. I felt as loved as Mario. I have experienced true joy. I also felt like a complete failure as Mario. I was really bad at archery.

There may have been parts of the week when I might not have done it Exactly what Mario would have done. But that’s because it’s really, really hard to be Mario. He’s such a special guy. With unlimited stamina and hand-eye coordination. I don’t know how he does it.

But hey, I was only Mario for a week. And he’s been Mario his whole life, so maybe one day I’ll make it.

Photo: Simone de Rochefort/Polygon