If I were to ask someone who the worst character on Game of Thrones was, I’d bet that at least two-thirds of people would immediately name King Joffrey I Baratheon. I’d also bet that if you asked the same question about House of the Dragon, Ser Criston Cole would be at the top of the list — especially after last week’s episode.
Thinking about it, I realize that I have the same uncontrollable tic when both of them appear on screen. Maybe it’s because they share a lot of similar personality traits and plots that make me want to tear my hair out and scream at the television (I can’t deny that I don’t actually do that).
I congratulate Fabien Frankel and Jack Gleeson, whose exceptional performances really got under my skin. It’s a shame that audiences saw this as a reason to give the actors hate on social media – after all, they do a brilliant job of convincing us how hideous their characters are.
Without further ado, here are the top five reasons why Criston Cole and Joffrey Baratheon’s stories make me despise them so much.
Spoilers for Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon until the final episode, season 2, episode 3.
Criston and Joffrey fail to rise
There’s nothing more annoying than seeing someone horrible and incompetent get rewarded, and both of these storylines are integral to Joffrey and Criston’s trajectories.
Episode 2 showed Criston being assigned the role of Hand of the King by King Aegon II, who fired the competent (if ruthless and heartless) strategist Otto Hightower based on a mean-spirited comment that He did.
This new promotion came after Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Criston essentially allowed a royal child to be beheaded because he was too busy having sex with Alicent Hightower – the king’s mother – in secret.
Fans of the original series will recognize a similar journey with Joffrey, who was immediately crowned king after the death of his father, Robert Baratheon. This despite lying about starting (and losing) a fight with Arya Stark, and then suggesting that he invade Winterfell simply because he was humiliated.
The king’s brat then commits heinous acts and sees no retaliation for a long time, which leads me to…
Neither takes responsibility for their actions
Both characters commit horrible acts and mistakes and, in typical George RR Martin style, get away with it for a while.
In episode three, Criston has the audacity to laugh when Alicent brings up the death of Ser Arryk Cargyll at the council meeting – which he was directly responsible for because he wanted someone to take the blame for the murder of the future king. The foreground of his sullen gaze could imply some level of guilt, but he never outwardly expresses it.
In season 1, he brutally beat Ser Joffrey Lonmouth to death at Rhaenyra and Laenor’s wedding and fatally crushed Lord Lyman Beesbury’s head against a table when he lost his temper. Again, he faced no repercussions.
As for Joffrey, where to start? He caused unrest in the city on two occasions when he saw fit to execute many civilians. He kept Sansa Stark in horrible conditions, psychologically torturing her by forcing her to watch Ned Stark’s head on a spike.
That’s not even talking about his vicious and disgusting language and insults, with almost no one ever putting him in his place – except for Tywin and Tyrion.
The couple is terrible for women
Misogyny and sexism are rife in both series, but Criston and Joffrey are among the worst offenders.
All of Criston’s loyalty to Team Green comes from being romantically rejected by a then-teenage Rhaenyra Targaryen. Even since then, he has taken pettiness to another level, determined to get revenge in the long run. Even his affair with Alicent seems personal, as they sleep in Rhaenyra’s old room in A Son for a Son.
Joffrey is of course on another level here. His torment of Sansa includes ordering Ser Meryn to beat and strip her naked in front of the Iron Throne, threatening to assault her at her wedding to Tyrion, and murdering her Direwolf, Lady.
He also orders two prostitutes to harm each other on his birthday by threatening them with a crossbow. What a charmer.
A successful war strategy? Forget it
Although I don’t like Tywin Lannister and Otto Hightower, I admire their tenacity in battle. These qualities are absent in my fictional enemies.
Criston’s decision to pass off Ser Arryk as his twin was a ridiculously bad plan, resulting in two unnecessary deaths and fueling the war. In Episode 3 (where he shows off his crazy new haircut), he ignores Alicent’s concerns about traveling in a small group and risks dying as a result.
Similarly, Joffrey foolishly attempts to place himself on the front lines during Stannis Baratheon’s attempted invasion of King’s Landing. He claims he will kill Stannis himself, but later cowardly flees the battle, damaging the army’s morale. Tyrion just manages to hold them out until the cavalry arrives.
Ollie Upton/HBO
They just continue to survive the bloodshed
Perhaps the most annoying thing about Criston and Joffrey is that they simply don’t want to die.
In the final episode, Criston comes so close to being burned alive by Baela Targaryen and Moondancer, who are chasing the Hand and Ser Gwayne Hightower across an open field. This would have been sweet justice for the previous episode, but alas, the Hand survived to fight another unbearable day.
Joffrey often avoided battle, his life only in danger during the riots and Stannis’s assault. He managed to make it to the fourth season. However, it made the Purple Wedding one of the most satisfying moments of the series.
This moment was only surpassed by her murderer, Olenna Tyrell, who then uttered the chilling line to Jaime Lannister “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me.” I still get a gut punch from me every time I hear it.
I can only pray that we witness Cole’s eventual demise, which will no doubt have me screaming at the TV…but this time, in joy.
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