The bloodthirsty beast came upon me, peeling skin and sinew gleaming in the dim light of the damned cathedral. It’s poisoning me and my health is draining fast. I still had three quicksilver bullets in the chamber of my pistol, and as soon as I ate dirt, I rushed aside to avoid the fatal blow. That might just be it; another doomed encounter. The broken cobblestones of Yharnam were again stained with blood. The beast raised its claws for the kill – and out of sheer instinct, my finger pressed the trigger of the DualSense. The sound, which sounded like a knife snapping off stone, echoed around the arena. A gunshot to parry! A quicksilver bullet knocked the beast to its knees, and I crunched my saw blade into the skull of the writhing horror.
prey was slaughtered. This is why I fell in love with Bloodborne. And it’s not for lack of trying – this is my third attempt to dig into From’s obscure take on a fucking Lovecraftian London. I tried it at launch, but never really got into the self-flagellation exercise of these ultra-difficult action RPGs. It didn’t click. I couldn’t even find Father Gascoigne. Back on PS4 and PS4 Pro, I was promised a patch that would improve load times, and that the hardware would counteract some of the game’s rougher edges. No, it’s still too slow and too dark for me.
Between then and now, I’ve picked up Nioh games and platinumed them (twice!) Team Ninja’s more position-based interpretation of the formula worked for me. I am mesmerized. I became one of you; a masochist, a junkie, a knave. The moon is right, the time is now: Yharnam is calling me again. And on PS5 — where loading times are a faint dream, hazy in the distance — the hunt is the first time it actually begins.
I haven’t looked back since. I’ve just killed the Vacuous Spider, and my goal is firmly set on getting the true ending – and I already have almost all the umbilical cords needed to make it happen. Yes, I know what happened. Yes, I’ve been looking at wiki pages and reading articles. I’ve been keeping my clairvoyance high on the advice of a close friend (I’d like to see the world change before my understanding of this cosmic nightmare comes into focus!) and I’ve been fast-tracking my way to the best weapons and gear . I’m a busy man, after all: I don’t have time to spend eight hours at night stuck in a swamp of toxic bastards.
As much as I love rummaging through tons of lore about places I’ve found online, there’s one thing that makes my experience better while playing: cum dungeons. Don’t google it. Please use the term “cummmfpk” instead. In Walthamstow, instead of some industrial-looking warehouse full of fetish gear and liquids, you’ll find a fast track to the upper floors of Bloodborne: a bizarre subterranean lair that offers you A lot of experience. This is player made; a custom dungeon utilizing randomly generated maps full of surprises and (in some cases) unused enemies and items.
The “cummmfpk” Chalice dungeon can make the mid-game portion of Bloodborne a breeze once you can access the unlikely catacombs beneath Yharnam, like a rotting rot. Some unknown, off-screen enemy will die–over and over–leaving you reaping some 80,000+ blood echoes per reset. You can get over 1 million in minutes. Especially if you’ve been collecting moon runes.
Tired of collecting blood bottles for boss fights? Cum dungeon. Need a quick buff to your arcane stats to take advantage of a mob’s bolt weakness? Cum dungeon. Looking to quickly upgrade one of your less used weapons? Cum dungeon. Now, I know some of you pearly FromSoft purists out there are going to tell me I’m doing it wrong – I should have fought the Darkbeast Paarl with my head for 12 hours to really enjoy the experience – but I like it this way . It lets me enjoy the game on my own terms. I still have to get my hands on many of Bloodborne’s more interesting elements (hello, Frenzy!) and the game still offers plenty of challenges.
I’m currently on my way to the penultimate grail dungeon – it’s no small feat. But I’m saving time, and I feel good; I can experiment more with my builds than I could in a cum-less game, and some of the “git gud” advantages have been taken away. Roaming through the Forbidden Forest, tearing hulking people to shreds with my kirkhammer felt great, and sending flowing currents of bolt energy through Dungeon Warden was exhilarating. Getting the shade of Yharnam to go to bed effortlessly is divine.
So yeah, I might be playing Bloodborne in an impure way – but it feels like a perfect fit for the game, really. But this tricky little shortcut means I’ve picked up some tricks I’d probably loathe; restoring my health after eating a face full of claws is an amazing feeling, and being aware of every weapon every time The complexity of the “technique” makes my jaw drop every time.
Bloodborne is a gem, and you’re right, the work of some crooked prospectors in the vibrant dungeons made me see that. I can’t wait to finish it (yes, I want platinum) and start working on Elden Ring. I even heard there was a good place to farm runes in last year’s GOTY…
