Handing over a block of heroin to a clearly paranoid dealer, I used the DS stylus to set the sale price – and can’t help but imagine Shigeru Miyamoto disapproving. As the constantly smiling creator of Mario — the game’s huggable godfather — Miyamoto seems innocent and lovable. Right now, I’m pushing class A drugs with the equipment that brought us Nintendogs.
However, there are more pressing issues at hand. Finally agreed to my price, the scruffy looking addict reluctantly handed over the cash. Suddenly, the siren pierced my ear. damn it. Am I scheduled? ! That’s okay; the finer details and Shiggy’s sad eyes will have to wait. As the impressive fleet of police cars flooded the park, I had my tiny 2D avatar sprint as fast as the B button was carrying me. As the officers approached, I threw Molotov cocktails at the nearest police car, jumped over the park railings, pulled a taxi driver out of the cab, and slammed on the gas pedal.
Welcome to GTA: Chinatown Wars – The most enjoyable slutty game for the Nintendo DS.
For most people, this is the forgotten GTA game. Honestly, I’m not sure what to expect from Rockstar’s weird-looking DS spinoff. After seeing some of the stylized screens, I envisioned a half-hearted, linear redemption — one that captures the feel of the franchise very loosely. Instead, what I got was one of the most mechanically rich and truly drug trade-oriented GTA outings to date.
The 2009 DS-exclusive game was one of seven “Mature/18+” rated games on Nintendo’s family-friendly handheld — and it bombed horribly. With GTA fans happily playing the series’ 2008 HD Nico-centric adventure Grand Theft Auto 4, it seems gamers are no longer interested in playing top-down GTA. Back in 2009, I was one of those cynical players. But now, after picking up a dirty old copy on eBay, I can’t stress enough how wrong I was.
In many ways, Chinatown Wars is the most authentic GTA entry you can play. From forcing you to buy a car, buying your own gas, and measuring the fluctuating prices of the drug market, this humble Nintendo spinoff offers some of the most in-depth gameplay in the series. Its story is also very exciting. Written by series creator Dan Houser and produced by Rockstar founder Sam Houser (who, according to the BBC, looks a bit like Harry Potter), Chinatown’s dialogue feels as sharp and uncompromising as its console brethren.
For those worried about censorship, dick jokes, street crimes and bloody betrayal remain intact. While the main story is partly told through text and smooth animated graphic novel-style panels, I was surprised to find the voice acting still interspersed in the seedy corners of Liberty City streets. Walking down the main road in Liberty City’s Chinatown, a waste dude next to me excitedly shouted, “I must have made two grams…I love this city!” Before spending a lifetime together. Yep – it’s definitely Grand Theft Auto.
Becoming a drug lord is the highlight of the series. Unlike other GTAs, the drug deal isn’t just narrative dress up here. This is a core mechanism. In mainline GTA, you can amass a lot of cash for very little actual spending, while in Chinatown Wars, the main quest pays off surprisingly low. While the core story will give you enough salary to make ends meet, the real money comes from most of the optional drug dealing side quests. If you spend time doing drug deals in Liberty City, you can get a good chunk of change that will allow you to slowly buy condos around the city and live out your Scarface fantasies.
Like GTA 4 before it, Chinatown Wars tells the story of an immigrant trying to succeed in America—though this time, our hero has a family fortune. Unlike the self-made Niko Bellic, the protagonist of the Chinatown Wars is the heir to a famous Chinese dynasty. With your father’s death, it’s time for Huang Li to leave China and return to Liberty City to reunite with his estranged family – reclaiming his family’s former triad glory. It’s that southeastern flavor that adds a refreshing touch to this DS-built GTA. For example, the martial arts-focused combat is a nice change from the pacing of the mainline game, and it feels very refreshing to see Liberty City through a non-Western lens.
Speaking of Liberty City, this DS outing offers a surprisingly large and authentic sandbox. It’s impressive that every aspect of GTA IV Liberty City, with the exception of Alderney City, is squeezed into this tiny DS cartridge. I find myself regularly identifying certain areas of the map from full-fledged Xbox 360 games, which, if I’m being honest, feels a bit like witchcraft on Nintendo’s ridiculously low-spec handheld.
Unsurprisingly, GTA’s clunky driving didn’t translate well to the DS, which reminded me of an angry pedestrian who nearly ran over and yelled “Damn you, bitch!”. Granted, not as motivated as the feedback I’m getting for Cooking Moms, but ok buddy – take note. How you escape from the police car also matters here. There’s a really cool burnout to car chases in Chinatown Wars, and destroying the cop cars on the chase gets you rid of those pesky wanted stars, rather than destroying squad cars adding to your problems.
If Grand Theft Auto really took hold on Nintendo’s 2004 handheld console, it was radio. Hollow talk hosts are completely eliminated, and with a questionable lo-fi instrumental soundtrack, the tune here resembles the backing track of a Soundcloud rapper’s mixtape. Or “lo fi beats to study and sling drug to”. Granted, they’re not the licensed thumps you’d expect from Chinatown Wars’ console counterparts, but they’re still very much alive — I kept nodding as I took down rival gangs and squashed another pedestrian. Sorry ladies and gentlemen, that was really my bad thing.
As I continue to get lost in this cramped, low-res world, I’m struck by how Chinatown Wars represents a lovely gaming quirk that can only come from games made for purpose-built handhelds. In fact, it’s a GTA built entirely around the convenience of portable gaming. From instant mission restarts, auto-save, and a really cool touchscreen implementation, it’s a lovely experiment, and the ubiquity of modern gaming platforms means we’re sadly likely not to see it again. Despite its tone, it also fits perfectly with Nintendo’s vision for a handheld device.
Aside from the loss of half a dimension, what struck me most about exploring Liberty City on Nintendo’s first dual-screen console was how uncompromising this sprawling sandbox was. Something about Chinatown Wars is immediately compelling. Maybe it’s the well-thought-out touchscreen controls that put love and care into every pint-sized pixel, or just the naughty inherent in playing something so vulgar on a Nintendo console.
Either way, the end result is more enjoyable for me than 2021’s impressive GTA trilogy remake. With a well-deserved 93 points on Metacritic, and with GTA 6 not coming anytime soon, this overlooked classic is well worth your time.
