Wanking Simulator: Revenge of the Wixxer

Intangible and yet visible to everyone, a question hovers over the wanking simulator: Why? Why is it there at all? Why is the game called that when the developer doesn't even dare to graphically send a meat gun to battle? And why should anyone run around to taint … strangers with … aaaa … genome … Words are missing!

OK, I'll say it now. Penis! There you have it I have more. Cock, tail, lout, the one-eyed pant snake. With every further mention not only the word, but also the associated body part loses taboo factor. Hey, it's just a part of your body, like a third arm or an eleventh finger.

You can find it everywhere, sometimes more and sometimes less explicitly. In films, in books, on paintings and statues. And it does exist in video games, albeit very rarely. Do you remember the GTA4 expansion "The Ballad of Gay Tony", in which a client pulled out his sleeve and let his Johnson swing freely? Or how about the extremely infantile, but all the more fun cock-fighting game genital jousting? Or this bizarre penis boss opponent from the persona games?

I don't know why we men find it so difficult to view one's own genitals graphically as a natural part of the body, but it is undesirable in social consensus. No coupleship commercial can do without an eye-catcher on the cleavage. In the 90s there was even shower bath advertising with women who looked as if they were supposed to sell a set of air pumps at the same time. But a penis? Buuuuh!

If someone dares to pull him in front of the (virtual) camera, we flinch, giggle, smirk and pretend that YouPorn is a rumor one had heard of. It reminds me of a Beavis-and-Butt-Head episode in which Butt-Head explains to his buddy that he never looks at the penis in porn, but always around him.

Self-censorship vs. Breaking the taboo

If you are wondering what all this has to do with the wanking simulator, then I have a simple answer for you: I am disappointed that this game pretends to break a taboo in this regard, yes it does advertises in the press text that someday it had to get this far, and in the end nothing happens. You don't see anything. The protagonist walks through a village with a black bush and pretends to wag one off the palm.

You could argue that the developer didn't want to risk getting into trouble with Steam and other distribution platforms, but when I think about what the main character of the Wanking Simulator is doing, this self-censorship seems even cowardly to me. Beat up police officers? Absolutely normal! Full churchgoers? Oh, a minor offense! Take any kind of drug? Old hat! Placing jokes at the expense of homosexuals? Who cares, as long as no penis is visible.

I don't want to come across as lousy. Wanking Simulator is sometimes hilarious because it is childish to the point of no more. In addition, the developer makes it clear in the cover picture that he is not interested in insulting homosexuals, only in a humorous channeling of the game theme. Yes, I laughed. In view of passers-by who fly 300 meters after kicking, I giggled because of the loud fap-fap noise when wanking and because of the horrified screams of the passers-by. Time and again, the stylistic device of oversubscription saves the game content from misinterpretation.

But to be honest, I'm only laughing because it all seems pointless. There is no real legitimation for all of this. Why is someone jerking people off here? For reasons! Well, according to the sparse introductory sentences in the intro, it's about a village called Gay Bay, where the main character's house was taken away. Was it confiscated? Seized? I don't know, it's not mentioned. But it is reason enough to pay it back to Gay Bay residents with the help of a proper protein syringe.

Too pointless to be taken seriously

Even though Wanking Simulator offers several game modes, ranging from “do what you want” sandboxes to a linear story mode, the gameplay remains largely the same. You walk around Gay Bay in first-person perspective, choke the (invisible) snake so that it throws out (also invisible) fluids and thus powerfully pokes the whole city. Indignant residents call the police, whereupon things get tough: beat up people, get into houses, collect money, buy drugs, weapons and aids. Tia, which is so common when you walk around wanking.

In story mode, optional destinations and mandatory stops provide a direction. The main goal of the first level, for example, is to collect various documents and to go to the local school, where you should whistle a portion of LSD so that you can read the Levites under hallucinations.

There are extra points for tainting a number of passers-by, blowing up cars and such sperm. If you ask me, Chaos Simulator would have been a more appropriate title. After all, everything in this game aims to contradict normal life in a grotesque way. Nothing is real, nothing has weight. I literally mean that. If you knock someone out, they'll fly around with so much karacho that they'll get stuck in the next best wall. Poor finishing touch or intention? Probably the former, but also intentional because it makes the game so absurd. Like the Goat Simulator. Can you speak of anarcho programming here? If you ask me, then definitely.

The load has to get out – WTF is the wanking simulator ?!

We just have to watch a game called Wanking Simulator. And in the end we regretted it.

You can even force people into space. WTF? Did someone roll out the variables? Or was the development a literal snap idea? Even after several new starts, I can not determine with certainty what the developer is actually about. What does the artist want to tell us?

With a high probability nothing. When I was playing, I often had the feeling that this work was only a half-baked “I try it out, what is all” project based on the Unity Engine, which was passed on to friends and found to be funny. It plays like this, it looks like this and it sounds like that. And yet, it is so bad that it is good again. It is so pointless that it justifies its existence by saying that the world would be a bit more boring if it didn't exist.