In the magazine business, the back page is where you’ll find all the weird nonsense we can’t fit anywhere else. Some might call it “filler”; we prefer “an entire page for making terrible jokes tangentially related to the magazine’s content.”
We don’t have (paper) pages online, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Last page. Today is Friday the 13th and Kate just wants you to stay safe…
[Originally published on May 13th, 2022]
Law. Alright. Are you sitting down? Good. Don’t move. It is Friday 13 once again, and you know what that means, right? No, it’s not Jason Vorhees’ birthday — it’s the unluckiest day of the year for… reasons. And this one especially bad, if you believe in superstition and astrology, because Mercury is also retrograde, which means it’s, um, doing something that makes things bad. Keep going!
With two such catastrophic events happening at the same time, I want to make sure that you, our dear readers, are safe so that you can continue read our articles stay alive So, whatever you do — don’t leave the house. Don’t get in the car. do not go anywhere. Just stay in and play video games and make sure you play them like as safe as possible.
To help you out, I’ve made a short list of how to play some popular games on the Switch in the least dangerous way possible…
How to play games safely
Ring Fit Adventure
Seriously? Doing cardio, on a day like today? you’re angry But if I can’t stop you, I can at least help you. Think of all the ways Ring Fit could kill you: You could accidentally strangle yourself on a ring while attempting a squat; you could fall backwards while doing yoga and impale yourself on the arm of the sofa; you could be so overwhelmed by Dragaux’s musculature that all the blood rushes to your cheeks and then you die because there is no blood in all your important parts. I’m not a doctor.
How to avoid all these terrible fates? Simple: stay on the sofa and pretend you’re exercising, but don’t. It probably still counts — and we’ve all played Wii Sports and Wii Fit this way, haven’t we? The Ring can’t tell if you’re running or just moving the Joy-Con, but definitely move gentlyso you don’t burn your face and lose all your teeth.
Minecraft
What do the deadliest things in Minecraft – lava, mobs, fall damage – have in common? That’s right! They are outside your house. The best way to avoid them all is to make your house as small and impenetrable as possible. Build yourself a nice dirty cube with just enough room for you and any other friends you want to protect and stay there for as long as you want to play Minecraft on Friday the 13th!
Bonus points if you build your poor shield cube out of something blast resistant like obsidian, but keep in mind that collecting obsidian is terrifying and dangerous, so this method only works if you already have it. Isn’t security fun?
Pokémon (any of them)
Do you know who the threat is in the Pokémon games? The elite four. Team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.]. Literally anyone standing on the track. Tall grass. Wild animals. Your best friend/rival. Even the Pokémon professors, who are apparently content to make pre-teens do all their research.
You know who isn’t a threat? Your mom. She had probably never seen tall grass in her life. All she does is wait at home and occasionally call you (like a real mom). Spend the day with her! Show her all your Pokémon! Tell her about a world she’s never had the chance to explore! Actually, no, don’t take her out, she could die! Stay at home!!!
Stardew Valley
The safest way to play Stardew Valley is to treat yourself like a small child: don’t talk to strangers, don’t go to caves, and go to bed early. Your parsnips and cows can survive a day without you – and besides, livestock can be dangerous. One well-placed kick to the head and you’re done, and Harvey isn’t a good enough doctor to help you.
Super Mario Maker 2
Don’t tempt fate with all the tricks in Mario’s toolbox — just make yourself a nice, pleasant walk on a completely flat path. No enemies, no holes, no unpleasant surprises – just Mario and his thoughts. Doesn’t that sound nice?
Untitled goose game
This one is a little different, because you are the one that causes everyone bad luck and unhappiness, so how about this: just take a day off. Stop being a chaotic distraction and just be the goose instead. Stay in the pond. Honk if you have to. But just leave it all alone or you might end up as lunch.
Earthbound
Haha! Cross promotion! If you’re playing Earthbound because I told you to, then I like you, but also, be sure to take precautions. Just like it was in the 90s, Earthbound is about a group of unsupervised kids who travel to cities and get beaten up by cops infected with some kind of brain virus.
In retro JRPG style, monsters and brain-poisoned adults will come after you as soon as they see you, making them a little harder to avoid, and they can all run away many faster than you. But it’s a risk-reward situation, because if you beat them you get money that you can use to buy healing items and better gear. So what can you do?
Remember it’s a JRPG and do what all JRPGs want you to do: grind. Go back to one of the earlier areas and kill a bunch of dogs and aliens (again, just like the 90s!) until you collect fat stacks of money, be sure to call your dad to send you money and just do that all Friday the 13th. The rest of the game will be And sea breeze in comparison.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
It’s dangerous to go alone — so why bother? Even if you’re playing in Master mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT’S FRIDAY THE 13TH) there’s a nice safe place for you: the very, very beginning of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (uh, sorry, spoilers) and eat baked apples forever. Maybe he’ll get tired of waiting and just tell you everything you need to know without having to visit all the (terrible, dangerous) shrines…
Dark souls
do not
Stay safe out there, gamers — and tell us your tips for not dying in the comments! But be careful not to cut yourself on the keyboard.
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