I first hour of The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom left me with one unshakable thought: God, Hyrule’s prisons are terrible.
Yes, I was mesmerized by how traditional the whole thing was and still a bit shocked that I was holding a brand new Zelda game in my hands, just 18 months after its predecessor. But all that went out of my mind as soon as I saw our titular hero being thrown into the cell. Come on, right above that bench is a giant spinning hole that might as well say “Climb on me!” carved into it!
Thinking the whole situation over for three milliseconds, I summoned the table, jumped onto the bench, and led Zelda to freedom, chuckling to myself as I did so. Did I want it to be a more complex puzzle? No way. This is an introduction and no one wants to be stunned before the game even starts. But this is becoming something of an ongoing trend in Hyrule’s prisons, and if the monarchy is ever going to get serious about keeping the Demon King in prison, it wouldn’t hurt to start practicing on home soil.
Clink’s Awakening
We’ll start with the first big no-no, the one that prompted this thought: if there’s a hole in the wall of your cell, fill it.
It seems like a no-brainer, but if your entire population generally relied on some sort of special cape, shoes, or bracelets to jump, it might not be the first thing that comes to mind.
There may be a simpler approach: if there is a hole in the wall of your cell, make sure the cell door next to it is locked. There. This seems feasible even for the less elastic Hyliances.
On that note, if there’s a hole in the floor of your cell, do more than just slam a wooden crate into it. Twilight Princess sees Link (in wolf form, no less) imprisoned for the crime of teenage angst, a prison that is similarly avoided within seconds.
True, tying the prisoner to the floor was the smarter move in this case – perhaps consider thicker chains for the shape-shifting wolfman next time — but how will he escape in the end? By easily smashing the wooden crate in the corner and crawling out through the roughly filled hole below. No one expects you to be ready for interdimensional imp royalty, but let’s assume that most inmates will have a basic knowledge of shoveling dirt.
However, the kingdom’s prisons are not only plagued by holey walls and floors, so our work is far from over.
Rattling between worlds
Take, for example, the link between worlds. Thieve’s Hideout is one of the more successful prisons in the series, keeping a low-level criminal behind bars for more than a few seconds. Sure, there’s a hole in the ceiling, but barred entry is a pretty solid way to keep most people out (at least those who can’t be turned into images).
There is, however, one small flaw that makes it just as rough as the worst of the series. The cell is home to a switch that opens another rather crucial door to the cell opposite. Moreover, this big red button is out in the open for all to see. It might not help the prisoner’s escape much, but I bet it’s probably a better idea to leave the controls on the door in the room where the prisoners habit get in touch with them, right?
And while we’re on switches, keep them hidden. Many might be glad to see Tingle behind bars, but when you first meet him locked up in Wind Waker, a glimpse behind that nearby stack of suspiciously placed vases is a giveaway. If you’re going to unlock the cell with one button, maybe put it a little out of reach.
Ocarina from prison
Gotta give it to them, Gerudo from Ocarina of Time knows what’s what. If Link is caught crossing the line, it’s a one-way ticket to an empty, high-walled cell with no holes in sight.
Except! Is it an open window with a noticeable wooden canopy? Come on people, this should be prison 101! As our wonderful video producer put it in the OOT stream below (referencing Pitch meetingsof course), “Oh, that was pretty easy. There was hardly any inconvenience.” You’re damn right, Felix.
Look, I like the simple solution as much as the next person – especially when the alternative is cooking in a box, waiting for a key-wielding hero in a green tunic to show up – but don’t you think Hyrule’s max security should be a little more, I don’t know, sure?
Those who have raced through Echoes of Wisdom will surely know that my prison woes are far from over, but I’ll leave that discussion for another day. I don’t want to spoil the suspense of whether our hero will perhaps get away unscathed next time.
