In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Kate takes a stand against the morality of murdering cute little guys in Kirby…
I’ve been playing a lot of Kirby and the Forgotten Land recently, and though it’s not exactly super challenging in terms of mechanical difficulty, it’s extremely challenging in terms of morality.
You see, Kirby is a little pink ball of indeterminate species, and his friends — the Waddle Dees — are also little squashy shape-ish things, which look like a different but similar species. It’s very hard to tell what exactly counts as “friendly squashy thing” and “evil enemy squashy thing” beyond simply asking yourself, “are they currently trying to kill you?” Even then, I’m not sure if I should kill them right back.
Are these other creatures actually “bad”? They were all peacefully co-existing before Kirby turned up and consumed them, after all. Am I, as Kirby, imposing some kind of dreadful order on a happily chaotic world, all in pursuit of turning this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee Town? Am I some kind of war criminal?
In the interest of soothing my conscience, I have put together a ranking list of all the Kirby enemies, with F-Tier being “nah, these guys deserve to die” and S-Tier being “the people who choose to slay these cuties are actual monsters”. I would invite you all to send a print-out of this article to HAL Laboratory to beg them for mercy.
F TIER: These Guys Deserve To Die
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GnawcodileI feel like I’m starting out quite mean, because the Gnawcodile really doesn’t want to initiate a fight if he can help it. These large lads patrol around islands and are not inhalable or beatable — you can only avoid them, but if you swim too close, they’ll chomp on you. Technically, if you run over them with a boat, they’ll be no issue for you, but I feel like Kirby — a literal god — should be able to take on a crocodile. |
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shotzoThey’re just guns with legs. I don’t know how they came to be — maybe their mother was a slightly bigger gun — but they are one of nature’s mistakes. The only redeeming thing about them is their cute little legs, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes have little legs too, and they suck in every way it is possible to suck. |
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MookieHonestly, any enemy that’s based on the creepy grimacing monkey-with-a-cymbal toy/torture device can get right in the bin. |
E TIER: I Don’t Feel Bad About This
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Balloon-MeisterI think this may be a personal vendetta, but I hate Balloon-Meister, the bomb-throwing sea lion, more than I imagine most people do. It’s because I love seals: They’re round and squishy and extremely stupid, and they spend all day lying down on beaches and yelling. They’re fantastic! Sea lions, on the other hand, are weird and shiny and not as squishy. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with the squashy loaves and there’s always a bloody sea lion there, with his massive flippers and lean body, balancing a ball on his nose like that makes it okay. No! It does not! You are not seals, and I resent you for it. |
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MumbieMumbies are scary! They follow you around the level with their creepy red eyes and I hate them. I’m sorry, but these guys should go back to their sarcophagi and leave Kirby alone. Their only redeeming feature is that they are round, which is a good shape. |
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KabuIt’s hard to feel too bad about murdering enemies that seem like inanimate objects, or at the very least, not sentient ones. Kabu is everywhere in the Forgotten Land, and while I feel a little bad for him being used as a filler enemy that’s pretty easy to kill, I don’t feel bad about being the one to kill him. He is a sandcastle. |
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Poison CroakomI haven’t fought this guy yet, but he does not look pleasant. He looks like he is angry about the length of a queue, or like he is the kind of person that tells people off for eating bananas in public. Also, he is covered in poison. This is the kind of character that would call the police on trick-or-treaters. I hate him. |
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SpookstepI have also not fought this guy, but there aren’t many ghost-type pursuing enemies that I’m on board with. Listen, you’re already dead! Leave me alone, or you’ll get double-deaded! |
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SssnackerYou might think, “how bad could a snake be? He is just a snake, and snakes are nice.” I agree with you! Snakes are cool! But I think Sssnacker belongs in the E Tier for one reason in particular: DIGESTING THINGS IS *MY* THING. Back off, snakey boy. |
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TwisterIt’s just a bit of wind, innit? I don’t feel bad about killing the wind. |
D TIER: Meh, No Big Loss
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Big KabuKabu is E Tier because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face. Big Kabu is D Tier because she is a mother to the Kabu (which come out of her mouth). Killing mothers is ethically slightly worse than killing… their children… right? Oh goodness. |
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Digguh
I like moles. This guy is a bit of a scary mole, though — and also, he keeps trying to kill me with his drill. Plus, and I’m sorry for saying this, his design isn’t that cute. |
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PhantaAnother bloody ghost that won’t leave you alone. This one is at least cuter than the others, so he gets bumped up to D Tier. |
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TortornerHe’s just a turtle who got stuck in a bit of concrete. I feel a little bad about killing him, mostly because you have to do it by driving a spike into his shell, and then into his soft body, but he started it by trying to bite me. |
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TotengaWhat if a cactus hated you? That’s the question that Totenga poses. I haven’t fought him yet, but I don’t particularly care if he lives or dies, because when I was a kid, a cactus fell into my bed while I was asleep, and I had to pick spikes out of my skin for days. Do not ask questions about why there was a cactus near my bed! CAN A CHILD NOT SLEEP NEXT TO A CACTUS WITHOUT BEING AFRAID? |
Continue on to Page Two to see the C Tier all the way to S Tier, which will take you from “vaguely humanoid, uncomfortable to kill” all the way up to “WHAT MONSTER WOULD SLAY THIS CREATURE?!”…
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