I’ve played many games in my life. I say “lifetimes” because I’ve lived many different lives, all of which have been incredibly uneventful and mostly revolved around playing different games.
Features make a game. A lot of people say that. If you talk to a game developer and ask them, “What makes a video game?” they’ll tell you, “Features.” Go ahead and ask one of them. If you don’t have that answer, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just spitting here. Sometimes I just say things. It’s whatever.
If you don’t have a game of features, then what do you have? I don’t know, a movie? but Even movies have special features when you buy the DVD, Blu-Ray or Ultra HD 4K Blu-Ray. Sometimes you can find games in these special features. Funny how life works like that.
Anyway, I’ve played many games and enjoyed many features in games. With that in mind, I want to give you the features I think each game should include in its experience based on the games I’ve played in my many, many lives.
I’m not asking much of you, I’m just asking for the love of God to take a look.
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An ugly little guy who is annoying and hated by everyone
You see that again and again in video games. A little guy who’s just awful to look at, usually with a grating voice and always a lot to say. I believe that while it already exists in many games, there should be a horrible little asshole everyone video game.
I suggest this guy. His name is Beremy and he would be the most common character in the game. He’s incredibly rude, always there, will give you advice that doesn’t really help, and there’s literally no part of the game he’s not involved in. Besides, he’s in love with you.
Press a button to scream
Do you know how clean? dog life, there’s a button you can shit/fart with? I think that’s great. However, I think it’s definitely showing its age a bit, and any game with a shit/fart button would probably be a bit isolating for anyone who doesn’t shit/fart.
That being said, I think every game should have a scream button. Why not? There isn’t a single game that wouldn’t benefit from the ability to just scream. Not only would it be a relief during stressful games, but it could also be used to scare things away in a desperate time of need.
Realistic autoplay
Idle games are all over the auto play feature, and I think it’s really overdone and unrealistic. These auto-play modes always seem to benefit the player, and most of the time do not reflect how a player would actually play the game.
Because of this, I believe games with and without auto-play should have realistic auto-play that automatically makes the game play really bad. I also think there should be a warning beforehand that says “WARNING: This is how we think you would play the game. If that hurts you, maybe you should try playing the game.”
Unavoidable calls to your personal cell phone from the worst character in the game
Remember how surveillance 2 Did you want users to have to add their mobile numbers to their accounts? I think that’s a great idea just for the purpose of this feature. I think all games should include unavoidable 3 hour phone calls on your real phone with the worst character in the game (see feature 1).
In this call, you must audibly reply to the character with things like “Wow!”. and “This is really insightful!”, and you must be serious. The 3-hour phone call will consist of the character talking about a putrid growth that has appeared on her inner thigh, and going into great detail about all the “natural remedies” they’ve used for it that didn’t work . You can’t hang up.
This story originally appeared on Kotaku Australia.
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