Hi, it's all out for a pheromone weekend, and you're welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, the only doctor you need is Doctor Mario.
As people separate themselves from society and divide society, relationships suffer under pressure… and some people find that they live with totally wrong people. How do you see that someone is using their mental health issues as a way to justify their toxic and abusive behavior? What if you are worried that leaving them might actually kill them? How do you say your strap is folding, especially when you are starting to get past them? And how do you know if your new relationship is real, or just replacing it?
Remember: you cannot spell "virus" without "u" and "I."
Let's do this.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I'm afraid I & # 39; ve been stuck & # 39; in an abusive relationship, and I'm afraid to get out.
My partner has excessive (and untreated) anxiety, depression, and an amount of mistrust that makes him jealous, worthless, quarrelsome, and distrustful. You come from a sad, tragic history, and yet, or maybe so, you've achieved some pretty great things.
I'm not used to mental illness. I suffer from depression all my adult life, but after a bad time that ended with a suicide attempt, followed by a divorce, I'm in a better place. Many treatments / counseling, and well-managed medications seem to catch the demons.
I feel like I know my own shit, and I certainly feel sorry for its shit. We've been together for less than a year, and I'm at a point where my battle or flight response is moving up and down faster than I can.
There are good days, and bad days. Of course, I will say that you have some good qualities that I like very much, but I have to admit – I'm out of work.
I admitted today that I was scared to talk to my girl. I'm afraid if I say something really good, I'll book it and then "okay here we go again" spending the next 24-72 hours on a full comeback, apologizing for the slowdown, defending positions I never had, and being confused for remembering and explaining words I've never talked about (or yet, don't even know and my ass from my waist as I enter into panic mode.)
It gets tired.
If I am not perfect, and even do the right things, I certainly feel about it. I have no room for error, and I don't make big "mistakes" – I don't forgive immorality – I am not immoral! My wife now tells me that the # 1 reason to marry me is because she knows I won't cheat on you. So I think that's my # 1 quality – I'm a good dog. Call me (emotionally) and I will come to you seeking forgiveness as if it was my fault.
To my ex, never in nearly a decade, he sincerely apologized to me for anything. I always felt I was wrong, I was not allowed to get up or get upset, because it would turn around and it would be all my fault and if I wanted to "fix" things then I had to suck it up and become a great person. I told myself I would never let anyone treat me like this. However, here I am, still a whipping boy.
My girlfriend is in the most up-and-coming part of her professional career, and that complicates matters. She is always tired, she is in a bad mood, she is constantly working and depressed, she is always full of anxiety and very nervous because of the volume of her shift making a list that will never be small. He can't control that. That is not his fault and I do not blame him for it. I don't think he's trying to get me out of it, if I'm trying to calm down "normal" in that crazy world, and give him a refuge and ear to listen with a roar.
Which is part of the problem for me, I'm convinced that "this really isn't the case" and that once this phase is over, you'll be better, you'll be beaten down and more likely to be. better days than bad. I go on every day believing that this is a lie – here's who you are.
I've read many of your columns and blogs, including ”my wife is spiritually abusive"No"labeling women crazy"No"invisible victims: men in abusive relationshipsAnd I see the signs without fail.
I know I am a “good” person. I'm not a typical macho fan, hell I couldn't be further away from that as an introvert geek myself (thanks to Kotaku). Of course I had a little bit of a dude-bro spell in my college years, and still wish to meet my friends and drink a few tasty drinks and watch Sportball, play golf, etc. as a hypocrite. It's fun, I've had great memories and good memories, but I've always had a lot of fun playing online with friends or sitting at a table and playing D&D.
I know as you say in "On Labeling Crazy Women" I "grew up in a world where certain attitudes about women were just the same & we found them without even thinking about them." As it is, I can't help but feel like he's being over-thinking, expanding, playing victim … making him crazy. I try to give him his feelings of debt, so that he does not make himself worthless, but it is very difficult to understand his situation and his situation when there is no sense of goddamn, and I know for a fact that the situation is not as it has turned. I know that her anxiety, her depression, that instills her thoughts on her. I know what it is like when your brain is against you. As the devil on your shoulder has whispered an angel to another, so the only gossip you get is bad.
Her insecurity and jealousy make me constantly check, not that she is asking me, but because I know if I don't start creating a mental image there “because I didn't text in 30 minutes, I should have another woman. ”
I'm afraid, I'm actually scared to run a random lady on the block and say "hello" to me, because I know I'm nice / friendly and I'll say "good morning" and … then I can lie to my girlfriend and tell her "no, I've never been innocent." totally and consistently suggested to exchange with strangers in general with respect for peace ”or, door # 2 I get 50 questions and by God if I don't answer them properly, well" I should have been attracted to her and should have just left my girlfriend for a random elevator instead. " of course, maybe SHE doesn't care if I & # 39; t go out & # 39; and & # 39; flirt with other women all the time. ”(Well, I might know it as most men know when a woman loves me, but I know when I paint and when I'm not happy.)
It may sound like an exaggeration, but it really isn't. Writing it (for the first time I think) makes me feel like I'm dating a "crazy" person. I know he's not bothered, he's abusive. You need help. I told her this, because I seemed to know it and finally got help after it got too close to me. He admits he has a problem. Yes, he will admit that he has anxiety and pressure, but he will do nothing about it. It's not the right time, there's always the most important thing to do, he can't afford it or make time … I know I can't lead him to this. I am not trained for this, I do not know how to deal with this, I am just beginning to find out how to "control" my mood after a major change in my life.
I will not be the perfect officer he asks me to be, and I cannot remain guilty of the guilt and fear and pressure he causes me with the fact that I cannot, and cannot, fulfill those completely unrealistic expectations.
I also know I shouldn't, because I know I'm a good person, and it takes me a long time to gain confidence …. my girlfriend shouldn't be the one who makes me wonder and hate all over again.
It put a marriage between me and my friends, because he doesn't trust and distrust me when I am with them because "they are the same people who talk about other women" and he will go away to remind me, every time I express something about seeing them, that "well I get worried and start thinking about that again this is how I feel …. but I'm not trying to tell you what you can't live with, I just told you what it did to me. Talk about guilt trip. I should, what is going out with my friends and not thinking about the fact that he is sitting there worried and worried? Feel like I have to come in and be on my phone all the time or will I be accused of cheating?
What should I do?
I feel like I'm a punching bag, but I'm also scared if I leave that he'll kill himself. I also fear, if I don't go away, I will end up in some terrible depression at the end and end up killing myself for real this time, rather than just trying to get the ass of helplessness as a last resort.
I can't "fix her", I can't fix this situation .. and drag myself back, trying to do so. I'm not even sure I believe in love, and it's probably because this is "just stuff" with women and if I want to be with someone I have to take the bad for the good. I feel like it shouldn't be hard to be happy with someone?
Sincerely,
Guy who is just too late for perfection
Let's do TL; DR first, Guy: yes, this is torture. No, his mental illness doesn't excuse that. Yes, it will be worse. No, it's not your fault. Well, you need to get the fuck out. Like, yesterday.
No, seriously, why are you still reading this? Break up now. If you live with him, make sure you have a place to go – for your friends, your parents (if they are not COVID-19 attacked), elsewhere-Run like all hell with half of Hoboken behind you.
Here it is: the fact that you have a mental illness – or several – does not give you a license to treat you like shit. Yes, he may have chemical or emotional problems that make life difficult for him and get rid of all the worst aspects of himself, though that does not change the fact that he is abusing you. You also know as I do what depression does: it pushes the poison out of your ear, whispering all these startling thoughts to you that are so convincing because they come at your word. But it is disappointment, anxiety and insecurity power you can do this. It is not as if they are not in control of his actions and he can restrain himself from being treated like his own punching bag.
I mean, let it be real here. I doubt he has any problems with his mental health, but if he can hold his job without being fired for treating his boss or colleagues the way he treats you? You have some control over this.
In fact, he has enough control that he isn't directly look for you. You simply state that if you I don't know do what he says or expects his feel ings or deals with his concerns, there will be consequences. Perhaps this is the excuse he uses to justify his behavior. Maybe he knows enough that I don't know if he wants to make requests directly
And that's important. Because what he does is put you in a state of hypervigilance, you have to stay alert. You have to know, not only about his feelings and emotions, but anything else that might stop him. So even if you're not, you're still under his control because hey, you know how do you get it. You have been placed in a position of responsibility his feelings too his worries.
Most importantly: cutting yourself off from everyone else in your life. You can't see your friends because they are "the type of people who talk about women all the time." You can't talk to total strangers because you “know what that does to him.” You're separated from everyone in your life, everyone who can support you and tells you, "Dude, shit you're not healthy!" and help you to give you the support and strength to leave it to him.
And let me remind you, Guy: solitude and hypervigilance are two of these basic tools in the abuse toolbox.
So, in this case, the fear of hurting yourself. Most abusers and toxic people will use the threat of self-harm, ridicule or clarity, as a way to keep their victim under control. If you have been made to feel responsible for their feelings, managing their insecurities or anxieties, it is easy to say “well, if you do something wrong, I would just hurt myself and it will be all your fault. ” A movement like this with abusers and that transforms communication from relationships into a state of capture. If you leave, you'll kill the kidnappers. That's it he kidnappers and terrorism.
But here's the thing: none of this you. Whether experiencing severe emotional distress or mental health, that is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility. You can force him to be better, you can't force him no you are mentally ill, you can't control his emotions and you can't fix him. It is his the responsibility to control his or her self-esteem, his depression and his anxiety, not yours. Sending it to you – especially to the extent that it hurts you – is just the essence of his character himself.
And buy in a lot of these. I mean, it's in the language you use in your book. It does not ask you to be his "official," seek to be his servant. That's not your job, that's not your signature, too it is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility to you. As the saying goes, you have to make sure you have yours self shut off oxygen before helping others with their belongings. But this is not about helping her, this is about the person trying to keep it under her thumb, in ways that are very hurtful and painful.
FUCK. That's it. NOISE.
I have no doubt that you care. But right now, you need to take extra care of yourself. You need to love yourself enough to say it's been enough, the shit is too late and it's time to do the right thing you. You wouldn't want her to be better, but you can be sure as fuck's love yourself from this abuse and get into a better life.
That's what you need to do, right there in hell. Come out. Drop him by text, then delete his number, blocking him from the rest of your network to talk. No argument to be had, no argument to be made; you just need to go.
I know she's worried she might hurt herself. If you're really scared of that, just give it to someone – his parents, his closest friends – before you leave. And I mean right before; send that split note microsecond telling the other person that they may be in danger of hurting themselves so they don't have time to try to tie you up to stay. If you can't reach his family, you can leave a hotline number for divisive text. Or an app link like BetterHelp.
But, a cautionary tale of robbery: it's unlikely you are actually self-harm or suicide. This is just one specific threat, one he relies on to stay in control. And if, against all friction, he it does hurt yourself? It's up to him. That's it not your fault.
None of this is your fault. Remember that. That tattoo is back on your forehead, so you see it in the mirror every morning. Shave your head if you need a room. This is not your fault.
Once you are out of this relationship, it is time to get your ass back on treatment. You need to find a mentor who will help you work for him establishing and enforcing your boundaries, recommending your needs and realizing your value. He has deep, deep scars, Guy, and will need professional help to allow them to heal.
But that healing won't begin until you get rid of this toxic, abusive relationship.
As a wise man once said: “I would love you, yes, but I don't like it very much.” It's time to love yourself enough to save yourself.
None of this is your fault.
You'll be fine. You are stronger than you realize. You will go out yourself will you are right
Everything will be fine.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I find myself in a bit of trouble, and as your advice remains brutally honest, to the point and makes me reconsider my initial reaction to student affairs over and over again, I've decided to ask for your help.
My last relationship was very good. Although I rarely agree with the cliché, the man encouraged me to apply the most positive changes in my life (e.g. less stress, better coping with emotions, healthy eating, sports etc.). If I want to believe her, I do the same for her. We have been together for a long time, about 9 months, but I thought it would last a long time. I loved you, I gave you everything, and I felt loved. Except they weren't good enough, so last July he broke up with me because I didn't feel enough.
Doubtless that broke me, I decided to stay in touch for a while, and then I found myself avoiding him so I decided to meet him again, instead of forcing myself not to. At first like fwb, but that doesn't happen. Slowly I was processing shit and just enjoying his company a man rather than mine person. I held out hope for a long time, however, that one day. But that seems to have disappeared as I recently started dating someone.
I didn't tell Mr. Ex about dating now, which I plan to do when I'm more confident about that (we just started dating recently). And I see the ex all the time, we're still doing games together. And no; no one else I can count on for that, I've tried. And I don't think it's bad to do that with my ex, as long as I'm not making myself close to him or staying in his mind for anything.
My issue is; I'm terrified that everything will be fine and all of a sudden I find that I'm not ready for this, using this new man as revenge for anything. Sure it doesn't do that on purpose, but how do you know? Is there a way to find out if I'm actually Mr Ex, and not be a tabhead for Mr. New? And for me, in fact, the cause of my discomfort doesn't bother me too. The only way I found myself comparing them was whether my family / friends would honor Mr. New as they have done Mr. Ex.
So here I am, hoping you can shed some light on this situation. Thanks in advance, Doc.
Sincerely,
Miss Confused
I know, MC, most people don't really understand why I tell people they need to do it take the nuclear option divisions arise – disunity and not letting their ex appear on social networks, deleting their number, including their emails, etc. Not because it is a case of "DIVORCE AND NOW DON'T KNOW ME!" That's because you can't heal the wound properly while you are picking up the stain. Trying to be friends soon after a break has resulted in emotional damage; what you think
How do I know? Well, first of all there is the attempt to make the FWB relationship work and the rationalization that you are the only person you know anywhere, anyone, who loves sports like you. And then there's the fact that you haven't told your ex about a new person. Not that you're dating Mr. New, but that you're in love with everything. How many of your friends know you are back in the market? How many of them don't know that you see someone and it's promising now. I think at least some of them are believable.
Now ask yourself: why they you'll know, but Mr. Ex wouldn't you? Because it's not saving his feelings – he is the one who lost you, after all. I guess because you know that if you tell Mr. Ex that there is a new, dream that, it is possible things can go back the way they were before they stopped.
I think that's a big concern here, not whether this new man is just a refund or not. There is nothing wrong with falling in love with this new man, especially as you try to find the past. In fact, I recommend it; part of the reason why we have a hard time learning more than ourselves is because love is not just a feeling, it is a thing chemicals. Our brains produce oxetocin by having our partners, and when we part with them, we are left high and dry without our surgery. Our oxetocin dealer just cut us off.
Part of that is reducing the pain after the trip to find a new supplier of oxetocin. And since sex and physical touch are the most reliable means of making oxetocin, the classic cliche of "give up on somebody by finding someone" is actually a good idea.
I think the best is not to look to Mr. New as something that goes beyond normal relationships for now. You are still pretty open about things with your ex, and there is no need to rush through anything to replace him. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone who is only enjoying their company and not expecting anything serious, yet. If it's the right person for you, you can find that online as you know him better. And if he doesn't … well, his lack of expectations of commitment makes it easy all around.
However, it will not be easy to find that if you worry about becoming a goldfish instead of filling the hole left by Mr Ex. You need to let the hole get closer … right now, I think you're standing in the way of letting that happen.
Take it slow Mr. New. But let Mr. Ex gone.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
Big fan looking for some advice. So I've been friends with this girl for about 8 years and have known each other and have shared her feelings with her. The thing is that while he knew this and expressed my feelings and nothing came of it. It has frustrated me so many times I have stopped communicating with him, because he has been able to say things to seduce my feelings that he thinks he cares more than he does (you know me better than anyone, I love you etc).
When she falls in love when problems arise I call her. We had something brief for a few months before he moved in but to go back and get on with the same habit soon.
Now I am in a state of emergency and hear the same "nobody found me but you" and "I do not expect you to come home" all in a loving way with the pictures. I want to be more of this but I can't escape the feeling even though in my mind I believe it is all fake.
Can I escape the madness of this stomachache?
Emotional Stress
This is the kind of situation that I think could be one side, ES. That is: I think all of this is from you.
I mean, eight years is a long time for goddamn to get someone back, especially if you both actually you did it a day in short. Even the most treacherous people in the soul otherwise will be less invested in playing that a long game.
I'm curious: Do you have many female friends in your life? Or have you seen how women communicate with each other theirs friends? Women, in general, tend to be more expressive and express their feelings than men. Men tend to equate emotional manifestations with emotional intimacy too sex intimacy, and so we think that being close to or loving someone means that they should want to be concerned. As a result: men tend to have less and deeper platonic friendships than women. Chalk it up to the a pack of toxic masculinity.
His behavior and things he says? That sounds as bad as treating someone as a close friend. Without too much detail, the kind of difficulty for me is to think there is so much behind it. I mean, unless those pictures are dirty and the traps of thirst – and I mean clearly, not "woe, that shirt is too tight for him" – that doesn't sound any different from a friend to a friend.
All that said: if you don't want to be his friend, or it hurts too much for you to do so, nobody says you should. You can break up with a friend, the same way you break up with someone you love. All you need to do is go nuclear – block or stop his number, don't think and befriend him on social media – and you will no longer deal with his deceptive behavior (or, you know, his friendship).
It's up to you, sir.
Good luck.
Did you break up with someone while you were under isolation? Did you fight back-to-back relationships? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
Asked Dr. NerdLove it is KotakuBi-weekly dating lines, managed by Harris O & # 39; Malley only, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Have a question you would like to answer? Write [email protected] and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
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