Hi, all of you scary skin machines, and welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, the only survival advice column for Corrupt Blood P disease.
The world may be in crisis, but love, romance and relationships continue, and there will be problems with relationships. So let's distract ourselves from the world and solve the problems we may face. How do you repair your relationship after your spouse falls in love? How do you know that you're avoiding relationships because you don't want the other or because you're afraid to follow them? And is finding love again after your spouse dies is a betrayal of their memory?
It's a time of isolation and cold, when the only thing we can handle is the senses.
Let's do this.
Hi Doc NerdLove,
Like many others, I have been a student for a long time. I never felt compelled to reach out because (foolishly) I don't think I have any questions or concerns to reach.
I'll just go straight to it:
I have been with my wife since 2012, we were married in 2015, and now I have two boys. We fall under that category of relationships who are great friends, great partners, wonderful parents. Admittedly, one of the aspects of our relationship that has really suffered since the birth of our second son, and sometimes before that, was the feeling of weakness and closeness. We both spend so much energy being "co-parenting" with parents and parents, that we didn't make time for ourselves and our LOVE relationship. Things started shaking in early 2019, with so much controversy, he would say things like he wasn't feeling loved or getting what he needed. He also mentions things like couple therapy. We had an in-depth discussion on the languages of love. She started saying things like "I think you'd like to love someone better than me that you don't need to do." I, stubbornly, took it all out and it was like “WE ARE LIVING! We are married. ”
At Superbowl on Sunday this past year, Feb. 2020, I stumbled upon and found something on his phone that caused my stomach to go down. An email with words like "I love you" and an email address that I immediately saw working with. I was not upset, I didn't know it, and it was actually him who told me to change the music on his phone. It was just there when I opened it. After much discussion, I found out that he was fully in love with his colleague, they often had sex in our car either before leaving or after exchanging. They loved each other so much, and in her words, there was no work like hers felt. They even talked about getting married when they separated from their spouse (yes, married with 3 children). It's been going on since … well .. things started to get worse for us, in early 2019. Full year !!!
Fast forward to a painful week of heartbreak, anger, and all the other emotions, and he decides he has to spend another night with her "without work" and find out what he wants. I didn't want to, but I agreed. They had never seen each other without a job, I thought they would feel so comfortable to fall in love that it would be the last nail. He comes home, saying that they have decided to end it, and that he wants to work things out with me now. I was very shocked. But happy and optimistic …
Things have been good and bad ever since. We had a very romantic and wonderful day. We've had arguments about whether I'm trying too much or too much and he's not ready for my liking yet. I don't know how to express WHY I love her so much that I want to forgive her and rebuild stronger, but that's what I want to do. He also says he wants to rebuild things but it will take some time f or him to understand. You still love him so much, which you can't just decide not to feel a certain way. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, hurt, happiness, joy, sadness, yadda yadda. It is very complicated because they are still working together, he says applying for a new job, but until then, he will continue to feel that love and desire. I like simple backup just because we're married with kids and whatnot. At least that's how I feel. And you don't do a very good job of convincing me that I'm not that good.
I have never been the type of jealousy. I never felt so confident. I have never felt shy or disrespectful. Still I still love him and want to fix things with him. Am I crazy? Is this unforgivable? Do I have the right to make demands on what he can and cannot do, selfishly so as not to hurt me? What should I expect from him? What steps can we take to keep going?
It's more complicated than this, but I think that's enough to understand the situation.
Thank you so much for listening,
Painful But Hopeful
PS. I seek help from a healer, waiting for details about my insurance and the entire procedure. I never felt & # 39; lost & # 39; before, it's scary. Aside from my moments of deep depression I have no thoughts of harming myself or others.
Let's answer some simple questions first, HbH. No, you're not crazy. No, it cannot be forgiven. Well, the way you feel works perfectly; The confusion, conflict and insecurity are all perfectly understandable. And yes, you have the right to tell him about what you need from him to live again.
Now let's get to the difficult parts.
These are the questions that often get me into trouble with students, HbH, because we often have different ideas about how and where to proceed. I am of the opinion that infidelity is not actually a relationship-breaking event, and also not the worst thing to do. Although it may look dark and white to people outside the relationship, if you are in it, can be all the many dirty shades of gray. As it turns out, the feelings aren't nearly like a switch. Even when we are abused, we still care for people.
While the event itself can be traumatic, what matters is what you do afterwards. It all depends on how you and your partner can answer some questions.
First: Do you understand why did this happen? Was it the story of someone in trials and failing to save Wisdom, or a partner who didn't care what they were doing? Was it a way of responding to stress within a relationship, an unhealthy expression of unhealthy need or did the cheater just decide to breathe? What are the causes of cheating? As Esther Perell often says: The victim of a romantic relationship is not always the victim of a marriage.
Second: now that things are out, what are you doing? seek to do? Is the person in question able to forgive and move on? Is the cheater willing to put in that hard work to regain the love and trust of his or her partner? Are they willing to take responsibility and prioritize repairing the relationship?
Third: Are you willing to view this as a struggle that ultimately brings you both together? Or was it an incident that hurt your relationship?
To answer the first question, you seem to have at least some understanding of what happened. The romantic side and your sexual relationship was ignored. Your wife felt lost from you – especially after several attempts to resolve the issues – and went out of her relationship looking for love and sexual attention she couldn't find.
No wonder he felt so much love for the man he was cheating on you with; the speed of getting those needs met, combined with New Relationship Energy, can be drunk. The sudden explosion of oxytocin and dopamine can feel overwhelming like love and leave you thinking maybe this is this is what you always want. In fact, it is an exciting youth, which can sink any amount of unemployment and uncomfortable facts. This is why so many couples break up after the end of the dating season … and why cheating partners often end the affair and go back to their spouse. Years of shared experiences, love and family often succeed at last.
The second question is difficult to answer. You, of course, want to forgive and move on. You have some very complex and intuitive feelings about the whole thing, but at the center of it all is the desire to fix the tension in your marriage and make things work.
Your wife, however, does not appear on the same page. If I'm being completely honest, his behavior is clear to me. Here at NerdLove Industries, we are big believers in "Actions, not Words" and your wife seems to be doing the opposite. When he says he wants to fix things, the way he does it sounds like something he feels you should to do, not something he looking for to do.
Some of the team's tricky tasks are rebuilding their partner's trust. That means they have a responsibility not to go beyond the board entirely and transparently, to be the ones who keep the boundaries, provide reassurance and show that they deserve to be trusted. Telling you to try too hard… you suspect. So "I don't feel I should." And needless to say, "I still love you / care about you / anyone else" is kind of a scam thoughtful my partner won't say, even in the spirit of transparency and openness. Sometimes keeping your big mouth open is the kind thing you can do.
This kind of behavior makes me wonder how much his heart is in this.
But like all things related to heart attacks and betrayal, it can be difficult. He is obviously still hurting himself and understandably. It is entirely possible that his behavior is well-intentioned but intelligent. It's also possible to see this with a filter for fear that it may be an option to backup again anxiety assurance lets you see all the worst light.
It is also possible for the two of you to stumble across this in the dark without a plan and, as a result, continue to tread on the toes.
If you both want to do this job, then I think what you need to do is put your asses in the office of a relationship counselor. Having a third party professional involved means that you have someone who can help you communicate clearly and understand your partner. It can also give you the much-needed structure and guidance, mapping out how to make your relationship recur and also help you avoid the behaviors that brought you to this area.
At the same time, if at all it is a case your wife goes through because she says she feels like you should, instead of wanting to … well then a couple's counselor who can help guide you in ending the marriage again.
Good luck.
Hi Doctor NerdLove,
This may be an unusual question. Can you give me some tips on how to know if I actually want to date someone and am in a relationship or just think I & # 39; m doing & # 39; What questions should I ask myself? Despite having a girl being, it seems, what I wanted for most of my 20s, I now wonder if the fact that I spent most of my 20s refusing to try means that I never wanted it in the first place.
Kind of short that I'm about thirty (I might be the time when you see this), and, for a moment this year before 2020 you decided to throw all the book pressure on me, I thought I was actually ready to pull myself out of there and try chatting online. I've never been in love before. I've never had a girlfriend, I've never been loved, I've never been in love, I've never had sex with anyone. I have wished I had a lovely girl every time since I was in middle school (and I don't understand the fantasy of sex). Most of my friends are women, and I've asked someone before, so it's never been difficult to talk to women stopping me from dating. I still go on with my whole life so far without doing it.
I know the simple answer is & # 39; just try dating and see how it goes, & # 39; but when I look back to the past when I ask what's really going on with me. I am a very shy person, and, with this, I have had a lot of luck with all my teens and 20s meeting people. I only met women through school (where no one ever seemed to be married) and worked (where it was never seen that none were even five years old). My best friend in college found his first long-term girlfriend because he was walking around his dorm room and heard him play Mario Kart 64. I, at the time, had the living room at the end of the only end of the floor that wasn't installed on the compass. It really annoyed me that no one wanted to date me in college, but eventually I realized I wasn't putting myself out there or trying to find people. It seemed like I was expecting just a good encounter. I promised myself that I would not complain unless I was actually trying to date and 10 years had passed since… I could not complain anymore. At one point I realized I wouldn't want to be set up by friends, because & # 39; s what if I don't love them and they are so poor I realize that my friend doesn't think much of me? & # 39;
I almost did nothing during the 10+ years of my life to find a girlfriend even though it was something I had been thinking about for all these ten years. I was always in a panic or excuse or I was in a sad sack until I thought of success. Was my refusal to try to panic as I thought, until recently, or this whole time I didn't really want this? Was I just chasing after something high, some idea that I was thinking of what this would be like in middle school? This is something that has been important to me for so long and just … I've never really tried. Can I REALLY be afraid of failure or is it something going on?
Dating is going to be difficult because of all the reasons why dating is hard for people who have been doing it, as well as my ignorance and all that high. Plus, right now, I find it hard to even imagine who I would like to be with. The only similarities between the girls I have encountered in the past that I thought were cute and nice, didn't seem like enough barcode. Recent pressures have, it seems, killed my thinking ability again (and were already reduced as it is). I don't have that bad confidence and I can't even make a dream for more than a few seconds before my mind says it & # 39; s not going to happen & # 39; and get it out of existence (strangely, by comparison, my brain has no problem with literally any other thoughts).
Is sending this message to you just another excuse not to try, so can I avoid failure? Have my refusals ever tried the sign that maybe this never happened to me?
Thank you for your time and any insight you can give,
And Posting This Is A Reason To Try
I'm not sure if you are listening to yourself, IESTAETNT, because you clearly explain the problem you are having.
Let's draw the relevant parts of your book:
It really annoyed me that no one wanted to date me in college, but eventually I realized I wasn't putting myself out there or trying to find people. It seemed like I was expecting just a good encounter.
This is the first part of the problem: you are waiting for someone else to do the work for you and not use it to control your life. Your best friend, for example, had no one to simply wander around and offer to become his girlfriend. He might have put his head in the door because he heard someone play Mario Kart
You, on the other hand, are waiting for the girlfriend to come through the roof and announce that you are still her boyfriend. And that's not how it works.
Then there is this section:
At one point I realized I wouldn't want to be set up by friends, because & # 39; s what if I don't love them and they are so poor I realize that my friend doesn't think much of me? & # 39;
This is another key to your problem. Not that you're worried that your friends don't think much of you or that they set you up with the wrong person, that is you don't think too much about yourself. You are sure that you are not good enough or worth the love or time and attention of other people. You also don't trust that your friends love you or know you well enough to establish you with someone; you have already created excuses to prevent you from asking.
But I don't think he's afraid of failing. I think you—like the flowers that bloom so much-He was scared success. I know it sounds silly, but getting what you want can be more terrifying than failure. After all, if you fail, it's just a situation. Nothing is changing, your attitude continues to be strengthened and you continue as before. However success it can be scary because now things are here real. Fantasies are safe because they can be perfect and continuous unless you invest in yourself or put in the work. They are just it happened, just as you would want them to do. But if you ask someone and they say "yes" … you are now in a situation where things are not going well. Having something real means you can make mistakes, scratch and hurt everything; if that happens, you are actually in a worse position than before.
It's easier to come up with reasons why you can't, instead of admitting that you are you will not.
But at the same time, even if you decide to take your teeth out, grab them and put them in there … well, I honestly think maybe you will fail. Not because you're bad at this or your lack of experience will make you, but because you will destroy your success. You do not believe in your worth or your worth as a person, and that goes with the belief that you do not exist otherwise You may find yourself desirable or looking for you as a partner.
So before you start trying to put yourself out there, what you need is more than anything else to deal with mistrust and confidence. However, it sounds to me that you may also be experiencing depression, and it may be temporary. I think it can make it a world of good find a counselor or counselor talking things out. Controlling those feelings and managing any potential mental health issues will go a long way in preparing you for real success.
Getting your head right is more important than getting a game. Take care of yourself, find your value and learn to value yourself. Love, sex and dating will all be available when you're ready.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
I'll try to be shorter. I'm in my 70's and my 8-month-old boyfriend is in her 60s.
I have been a widow for 4 years and married for 16 years and lived with her for 23 years.
It was a beautiful and loving wedding.
My bf lost his girlfriend to death and they were living for 3 years.
My bf and I are very well off but I am careful about future sex work. He is a respectful and tolerant man but he throws a glimpse into the fact that he is interested in a loving and supreme relationship.
My issue is that I am hesitant about making love because I feel that I would bet my dead husband. It sounds silly, I know but it bothers me. My boyfriend looks good and I admire him.
I don't want to keep him waiting too long, but I've never been with another man in 23 years and I'm a little nervous.
Advice?
Lost in the Past
Here's the thing, LITP: your husband loved you and cared for you. Do you think you want to be alone and lonely for life? Or do you think she wants you to find happiness, comfort and friendship now that she's gone?
Sleeping with your boyfriend is not about betraying his memory, it is about respecting his wishes. He wanted you to be happy and fulfilled. Let yourself be happy. Take joy (with your boyfriend) with both hands and ride that sucker.
And believe me: you may be scared, but you have nothing to fear. Your passion for your boyfriend – and his for your own – will carry you to the first inclination, and then your body will take it out of there.
You have this. Now go find out he.
Good luck.
Has your relationship survived love? Have you ever struggled with a lack of confidence? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
Asked Dr. NerdLove it is KotakuBi-weekly dating lines, managed by Harris O & # 39; Malley only, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Have a question you would like to answer? Write [email protected] and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
You can find receptive fluids and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.
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