Hi, all you visual piranhas of the Interwebs, and welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, the only column of philanthropy that gives you the extra lives of a love game.
This week, we have a problem – shooting your grief and helping you overcome the past Wars rocket sled love section. When is the right time to approach your friends about your relationship problems? How do you deal with jealousy when a loved one dies? And what do you do when your best friend stops being able to respect your beliefs?
It's time to gird up your loins and make coins. Let's do this.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I have been a lover for a while now and I hope you can help me out of my current situation.
I'm 18 years old, and I say that because I'm not the smartest person or the most experienced person in dating. Have a girl, let's call her Ellie (the girl's favorite video character), for a year and three months. She is all I need in a relationship. He is funny, low maintenance, charming (lovely in my eyes) and a good person around me.
Now this would not have been much added if I had not introduced the situation. Through our relationship, he has introduced 2 things:
1) he has never, EVER, let him talk about our relationship and at some point he is worried about me voicing our relationship and I said "I talk right" (he says instead of advertising the magazines).
and
2) In the course of our relationships he never thought to leave or be with anyone else, even after our seriousness.
I admitted that I wanted to leave but I never wanted to leave her to anyone else. I believe he lied about giving himself nowhere and never had a single thought, not a second one, of traveling.
Am I bad at explaining my relationships with other people? I am no to deceive or to say something like “you are a small person.” I will talk to people honestly about the war we are going to have and look at how the other person sees the war.
Am I a bad person for being the only one in a relationship that has ever considered the thought of leaving during some sad turmoil? Is my decision less than his? Does that mean I love her less than she does? I love her more than anything and your input can help me become a better partner I believe. So please let me know!
Thank you,
He is guilty as charged
So I have some good news and bad news, GaC. The good news is that your biggest problem here is that you're both really young.
The bad news is that you're both really young.
These are the kinds of conflicts you have when you are young and inexperienced, when you have a lot of vague and valid ideas about what a relationship is and what it takes to do one job.
Let's start with the idea that talking to your friends about your frustration is somehow limitless. This, as we say in the advice of dating biz, totally bonkers. Telling your friends is not just normal, it is good thing. Good for you as a person, good for your friendship and your brakes too it's good for your relationship above all. One of the biggest sources of stress in a relationship occurs when your partner is not only A source of socialization and emotional support. While "I'm in love with my best friend" is actually a conjunction when we talk about relationships, it's very common for human partners to be their own only friend. Our boys, girlfriends, husbands and wives eventually become everything to us: spouse, partner, best friend, confession, and social support network. That is a silly mistake to include one person.
It and it turns your relationship into one point of failure.
It's hard to talk to your best friend about the anxiety you have with your girlfriend when your best friend is the person you are having trouble with. While yes, you want to be able to talk to your partner about any issues you have, sometimes you need to get to a sensitive ear. Not every problem or conflict in a relationship needs to be addressed; sometimes you just need someone willing to listen and tell you "yes, what you suck, brother."
That can always be your partner.
In fact, most people aren't so good at making phone calls that they can listen to someone talk about how frustrated they are without getting hurt and upset. That, of course, makes it very difficult to talk about what may be bothering you.
While traveling may not be enough for your girl (SPOILER ALERT: it not), sometimes what you need is a person with an outward appearance. When you are so close to the source, it can be difficult to see things clearly. Someone who isn't directly involved can give you the reassurance you need, the assurance you need or the understanding that you are coming to things with the wrong angle.
A friend can be a reassuring hand or a slap on the side of your head. Those are things you can't get by writing things out.
Your second problem, likewise, is the matter of being young and inexperienced. One of the things people rarely understand until after having a romantic relationship is under their belt is to walk to fight. No matter how much you both love each other, no matter how much you agree or agree … you are still two people. That means eventually there will be collisions.
Sometimes those conflicts and frustrations can make you wonder "Do I still want to be in a relationship right now?" That doesn't mean you don't like your girlfriend or that your relationship is over – that means you're frustrated and upset. It it is possible be a sign that you have serious problems, or it could just mean that your honeybunny has been dancing with your last senses and you need less time to get down.
Part of growing and digesting those points of experience is learning the difference. You’ll see how the answer will go or you get less space and that it’s time to start brainstorming your exit strategy. If it's a problem from time to time, then it's the kind of thing that can be solved with clear, open and sensitive communication. If it is consistent and progressive, it may be time for it ask yourself if this relationship has reached a natural conclusion.
That has been said: to tell you your girlfriend that you think this way at one time was a stupid idea, my friend. Relationships are not a deposit; You don't have to share all the random thoughts that pass through your brain, and you are allowed to keep things private. Telling your girlfriend that "yes, I think I'll leave you sometime" is unnecessarily painful. All he does is just rub the feeling of emotion in your relationship. It doesn't help to resolve the differences unless in a sense "now I have four new a problem to worry about. ”
But you know, sometimes you have to touch the stove to learn it's hot.
All you need to do now is to have it Negative Chat with your girlfriend when you tell her that while she's gone it might be the end to go out he Needs, your friends are an important source of your comfort and support. It's not a "talking shit" thing to talk to them about your feelings or things that may worry or bother you. It is an important task for you and your feelings, and over time it makes your relationship stronger.
(Also, by accident I don't know accusing him of lying by never calling others. Either you're lying or telling you the truth of God's truth doesn't help. Whether you do or don't care, your needs and your relationships with your friends.)
If your girlfriend treats your conversation with your friends about your relationship – or, glue, shock, shock, admitting it might not be just wine and roses days as betrayal? Then it would be time to consider that you both have very different social needs and classify this as an undeniable distrust.
Good luck.
Hi Doctor NerdLove,
Longtime listener, first call – I've been reading since about 2014, when your eloquence in the column led to my realization that it was and described me as a tire, thank you very much for that. That is not the case.
One of the most important people in my life is my best friend who is really like my sister. We met in high school, and have stayed in touch ever since, even when I moved across the country to college. We helped each other through the most difficult times, we never stopped being there despite the distance – hell, we even really planned to get married if we were to make things financially successful in the future. You literally saved my life over and over again.
Now, because of all our past experiences, we both hurt ourselves and went back to our upbringing even though we both did not believe in God's existence in the past. His, it was Catholic, and to me, it was pagan. We had a one-time experience, and long after it was good and solid — we still had some fantastic philosophical discussions that we had had for years, it wasn't the only paganism he knew, the last time he visited and brought his tarot cards. But recently, when he was texting me in a package he sent me for my birthday, he reluctantly asked me if I wanted one of his books because "it's about witchcraft and evil, but I know he has that thing."
Without saying this, all of this came out of the blue, and I asked him what changed his mind. He said it was the Bible, and "his relationship with the Father has grown," and he began to continue teaching that I had never heard from him about "the only true way for God and his son Jesus." This was so uncomfortable that I just asked him if he had been taken by the cult, if they were looking at his phone, but he linked me to the page where he always wrote and Christian stuff was there for at least a couple of months, when we had been talking about it all seemed normal. I tried to reason with him, but he kept repeating the words "saved" and "seeing the truth." When I finally asked him what that meant for our friendship as a non-Christian, he said that he hoped to “see the light” and stop “being deceived by Satan” but that he would ultimately put God before anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about growing up spiritually, whatever path one takes to get there, and I'm glad you have this source of value for your life, but I don't know how to use the fact that you have now swallowed the conflict of faith with mine, line, and sinker. I am inclined to believe that this is simply a passing phase and that you will return to tolerance and gospel management over time, but still I do not know what to do from time to time. I really want to keep him in my life, maybe he may come across as the end of my housing crisis, but I can't help but feel confused to hear the same lines of salvation I received from the Mormons that I grew up with would probably call CPS to my parents for not raising Christianity if they knew. Am I trying to talk her back to health? Did I just wait for her to arrive? Or do I limit one of my closest friends to the most important people in my life by saying that my religion is bad? I'm lost.
Sincerely,
Imprisoned If I Can, I'm Abandoned If I Don't
The key to dealing with conflicting religious beliefs among friends is respect, DIDDID. You don't have to share their beliefs, but you should be able to treat them with respect and respect. If you are a Jewish friend who maintains a kosher or Mormon who avoids refreshments and drinks, you do not order a bacon artery blaster with cheese or great coffee. If your friend is a conservative Muslim, working on their scheduled prayer time is the most polite and respectful thing you can do.
This does not mean that you cannot disagree about things, including doctrine or beliefs. I have some very fine Christian friends. We can discuss doctrines or biblical interpretations without getting angry because we keep it public and do not attack anyone else's beliefs or beliefs. I may have a low opinion of organized religion in general and there is a lot of Christian taste organizing my teeth, but I will not hold anyone who finds comfort in the Bible or who wants to follow Christ. An example of love, hope, peace, kindness and acceptance. With that brand, I expect (and get) the same from them; my beliefs may be bizarre as hell for them, but they can at least respect that I have.
You don't get that from your friend. Those illegal talk about evil? That's not good … and I'm worried that this is a small wedge border. It is futile and nothing but conveys a sense of superiority and abstraction. That doesn't waste her no present her with a gift of "and this is not good and bad to do." The fact that he won't be bothered to do so is troubling.
I don't think you're wrong about worrying, DIDDID. If he decides that God comes before anyone else, then it is not reasonable to worry that he may decide that your salvation will be a condition of your being friends.
What do you do about it? Yes, you can set certain limits. You can tell him directly: "If you want to talk to me, you will have to lie there doing this with my beliefs, my soul and my religion unless I directly invite them." If, for whatever reason, decide that you simply I can't put down the "you go to hell" shit … well, then it will have to enforce that limit and ends the discussion. It does not matter if it is his sincere, sincere and deep conviction. He can think of anything he wants – someone who still wants to know that the previous dictionary in my head during a particular service I brought was less than complimentary – but keeping it to himself is too little to do.
What are you you will not be able to do it to talk to him about it. You can't put somebody in it no believing something while reason is not something that got them in the first place. Reason, by definition, is the opposite of faith.
You can point out the scriptural contradictions in the text, doctrine or actions and actions of Jesus, but that will not help. Either you have the answers, or you will simply dismiss the question altogether because you can't understand it as a hell-burning world. The differences are so great that they will double what they already believe.
what you can trying to listen and understand where he came from. Not because you're right or you have a point, but because either I hope you have something to urge him to come from a place of sympathy and normalcy. If he wants to get any opportunity to change his position, then first he will have to listen. If you can show that you are listening and understanding, then you have the opportunity to ask for his opinion and to love him. Telling her about the religious authorities of your childhood and how they have affected you, for example, might make her feel sorry and make her doubt things.
That, then, thinks you will work with you in good faith; he might want some bad faith in you anyway.
Will this be over? It is possible. Much will depend on whether he cuts any opposing words and puts himself into his body further within his newfound faith. If he stays in touch with you – at least, doing more to serve you, though – then there's hope.
But I was you? I'm considering living with her again. I don't think you need to get rid of him as a friend, but I think getting in with him will be a source of pressure and conflict for both of you. If you want to give your friendship a chance to survive, you may not be setting yourself up for a lasting debate on the status of your soul.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
I hope to ask for your maximum size so that you can experience difficulties in my current relationship and attitude.
My roommate and I have been dating for over a year now and while we have lots of great moments back then, he becomes one of my closest friends. He may not be the most loving person I've ever fallen in love with, but he always finds ways to show me that he really cares.
Just over a month ago, he lost his best friend after a two-year battle with cancer and has been taking it hard. I have always done whatever I could to support her, whether it be to engage with her child so that she can spend time with her friends, help with a fundraiser that she has put together in her honor, or get together for anything that may come up.
I'm trying to be that rock for her, but I'm not going to lie if that didn't bother me, especially considering the nature of their relationship. Throughout the years, they would just connect whenever they were both single and he became a "what-if" friend, whom he always thought would end up with her down the line.
I feel like a complete tool, but knowing that it causes jealousy in my head. There is a part of me worried that I can't measure how it felt to her (I told her I loved her before it all happened and she told me she wasn't ready to say it again, but she wanted to get there. We haven't done it since.).
Seeing him sad and knowing that there is little I can do to help bravely be a great challenge without the extra jealousy and guilt it brings. No matter what they were for their previous love, he was still his best friend and had been picked up at a very young age. I want to be there for her but I can, but sometimes it hurts me a hell of a lot. Obviously this is not the time to bring this to him, if there ever will be such a time, so I turn to you.
How do I cope with this ridiculous jealousy and become the supportive partner she needs during the most tragic loss of her life?
Sincerely,
Envy and Guilty
Under normal circumstances, I tell you that Jealousy is often the “engine” of exploring your relationship. Dealing with feelings of jealousy often indicates that you have unmet needs or concerns that need to be addressed and mitigated. I would say that you want to talk to your partner about how you feel and ask for help from him or her to resolve things.
These are not standard cases, JAG. His best friend is dead. She is sad not only for the loss of her friend, but for the loss of all that may come. There is no future for him to tell her about the wonderful times she has been with you. There is no future where he offers toast at his wedding or invites her to attend his wedding party. Their children will not grow up to be friends.
That's it why are you crying now? It doesn't matter if you loved him or wanted him more than you, that all the days of happiness, misery, anger, friendship and strife that may now be will never be. Half of his life is gone and he will never return. Or without their will, there will be no relationship, there is a hole in her heart where her friend used to be, and nothing will end this pain but time.
What is he it is not the need now adds to that. There is time to ask your partner for confidence and help. This is not.
Now that doesn't mean you are allowed to have your feelings. The fact that you are jealous may not make sense, but it is understandable. But again your the burden of repair without him.
But that doesn't mean you need to do it alone.
Do you know what I just said to Guilty As They Are Charged for the need to have friends you can turn to for support, even if that support is for them to listen to you? That's it you need now. You need Team You, the people who can give you the space to express your concerns, offer you beer and help you make your mind off things. Some good friends can help you in recovery, tell you that you have a mind and help you find the opportunity to rebuild your emotional batteries, so that you can come back and be the person your partner needs now.
That distance and the opportunity to reproduce may be exactly what you need to see things clearly.
I mean, you've been dating for a year. His best friend once battled cancer all this time. He has been forever putting down the barrel of loss throughout your entire relationship. The discomfort is there too much on top of the fact that he may not have had the emotional bandwidth to give it more than he had. I would bet a small amount of insignificant money was not worth saying "I love you" to you because you've had this tragedy for as long as you can. Hell, you may well have felt I'm guilty about being happy in a new relationship when someone knew and loved him for so long.
If you want to get to the place where he or she is can she says she loves you, then you will need your help at one of the most difficult times of her life. And I'm not going to lie: it's going to take time. It's going to be tough. It's going to be unbelievably, unfairly, screaming-in-the-fucking-void hard for her. Losing someone close to you fucks your head again no one can properly prepare for the misery that comes with it. It takes a lot of effort to try to help someone with that, especially because there is nothing that you can do to stop the pain.
But as the man says: you can't bear their burden, but you can help carry it them.
He does the right thing by giving him the support he needs to run and trying to take on any responsibilities that you can't. Don't add them to this. Find your team and ask for their help you, to be the help your partner needs.
Good luck.
Has your spouse lost a loved one in death? Did you have a religious dispute with someone close to you? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
Asked Dr. NerdLove it is KotakuBi-weekly dating lines, managed by Harris O & # 39; Malley only, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Have a question you would like to answer? Write [email protected] and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
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