Hi, all you pheromone-wrecking wolves, and welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to help you reminisce about your 4K love life and help your relationship look and feel the way you remember it while you were young.
This week, it's all about what it takes to make a relationship work … and when it's time to go. What do you do if the age gap in your relationship doesn't feel very important at first, but now what do you think about it? How do you find a relationship where the only people who are interested in you are not emotionally available? And what do you do when you have your boyfriend start giving you bad dreams?
It is time to analyze some of the old experiences with new control and perspective.
Let's do this.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I've read your answers before Kotaku and your answers were very good. Honestly speaking with my friends has given me conflicting and confusing and often useless answers, so in the end, I've found that I need to reach out to someone who really knows what they're talking about.
So a bit of background for me, I was too late for the dating game, I had my first real girl of 26 years. I've been with her for the last four years. At first I didn't take things too seriously, I had already run out of cords of failed love and thought we would end within a year or so. But things ended up being good, we got together really, basically never argued, laughed together and basically had a lot of fun. As things went we ended up moving in together when I got a job (a job that helped me find it) in a new city.
The problem for the last three years so these silly thoughts have been flowing through my mind every few months and have been getting more and more frequent.
You see, you're eleven years older than me. At first, I didn't see that as a problem, but as the years went by it became clearer to me that the age gap existed between us.
One of the problems with addressing this issue is that it is impossible for me to sound indirect (probably because I'm not deep) but one of the problems is its appearance. As the years go by, it seems that he is much older than I am. She's not cool, but when I go out to see my friends and girlfriends or to see other couples together I get really jealous.
I am happy that this is unknown to admit the following part: I have recently had dreams of my daughter's face being replaced by my mother. I've had a dream about three times now in the last six months. It's stressful and I feel tired when I wake up. It's funny because she doesn't look anything like my mom (they are not even in the same race).
The age gap also means that sometimes I feel like a child in a relationship rather than a relationship. When I hang out with my friends, we're all the same age, but when I go to see his friends I often feel like a baby among adults. I really hate that feeling.
This manifests itself every few months. I'll be back in a few weeks to get back to our relationship. I often wonder if I just become shallow and pretend & # 39; green grass & # 39; OR I put it off and I'm too scared to break up with him because I've never had another relationship before and I'm afraid I'll never meet another person. I have never been to anyone else so I have no reference point.
This fear is always coming back, and it's like every time they come back strong and I really wish it would stop. If I break up with him and meet someone new, will I be in this same situation for several years? It's frustrating.
As I said, these issues are the only two I can have about our relationships. In just about every other way we agree and I'm worried that I will lose more relationships over smaller hangouts.
May to December
OK, I think one needs to call a bell hop because there is a lot of luggage here.
None of this is actually complicated, FMTD; in fact, everything is quite obvious – obviously, in fact, that you touched on some of the reasons yourself.
But let's start with the simplest: yes, the age gap is a problem for you, and not just for the reasons you think. The argument is not so old as it is a difference in power and experience. It's like you said: you feel equal in your relationship. Because you don't have a lot of experience – life experience, social experience, relationship experience, and so on – you feel a great partner at the best, and we find ourselves relying on him. Finding a job, helping you to be in your new city… I'm willing to bet and you're the one who found your place or your entry his location.
And while some people are cool to feel that as a custodian or to be a more intimate or subjective partner of a relationship, it's clear that it doesn't work for you. I suspect this was first heard over the last few years. Having someone to take care of you when you are 26 years old who has started a new look can start to fill your hearts when you are 30 and feel a little less like a reserved man and more, well, like a child.
I mean, it doesn't take Dr. Freud to find out why you dreamed about your mother's face in your lover's body; feel you are attacked in a way you do not recognize.
That, I suspect, is more of a problem than whether you are as hot as your teammates. It's a bit of a visual age – though that is also a feature – but it is stands for to you. For some people, an accomplished, knowledgeable, and uncluttered elderly partner is something to be proud of. You, on the other hand, feel like you're trapped in a world where you don't deserve it.
And that's a legitimate feeling. It is completely understandable.
I think the disconnect you have is that you can still take care of someone, still enjoy being with them and having a good time with them… but yours relationships they are also not good for you. That does not mean that you have not done anything wrong or that you have not worked hard in this regard, nor does it mean that you should not have stepped in first. That is, you have lost a relationship. If what was right for you four years ago is not right for you now. People are constantly growing and changing, and that means sometimes the things they need in a relationship change.
It's like I always say: not all love stories are meant to be good poetry. Some are meant to be short stories. Some are just meant to be dirty little stones.
And if I don't say anything: it's very rare that your first relationship is yours the last one one.
The problems you have are minimal, FMTD; they are important. But it doesn't mean that something is wrong, either with you or in a relationship. It sounds to me like you've gone through this relationship and are ready to move on to one where you feel very similar to a junior member.
So my suggestion is that you will take what you learned from this relationship – a whole lot about yourself – and use it for the next one. Just make sure it's the one that feels the most, no matter what age gap.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I don't know where to start, but I have great inner turmoil about my relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We first became friends, communicated, and reconnected on Facebook. He lived four hours away on the other side of the state living his best life in his hometown, which is a very touristy and fun place, so he worked part-time jobs with some adequate shoulder time between gigs. We met again as I was about to spend a week on holidays. I decided to meet up with friends who were going up for the New Year so I could spend time with her and see where things could lead. Things were good! We had a lot of instant communication and chemistry. We probably spent the whole week in bed. It was frustrating to leave and get back to work when the time came, but it left things in order – it wasn't special and I would try to come by the end of January when I had my next 3-day weekend.
However, between my departure and my next trip, she was injured at work and eventually resigned (she was working at the relevant provincial job site, so she could be terminated for no reason). I went up as planned, and at the end of 3 days, I thought, “Heck, why don't you come back with me to my place and spend time in my place and we'll see what happens? Now, maybe not the best thing, but we thought we were in love! He still had friends in the area, so he was excited to meet them. And there is nothing else he can do. She ended up getting a job and living. Now, this has created a problem with my lifestyle (I was sharing a house with a long-time friend and other members of his family and boyfriend), which already has a riot and another long history of donkey. So, we had to find a new place to live, which was difficult because 1) it was expensive where I came from and 2) there was a very low rate of times, so we kept passing because of the income and debt points of needing dear tenants. At the last minute, we found a place to rent in a friend's house, that's where we've been living … for the last 6 years.
This was not our first plan. We thought we would take this opportunity to save some money and move from one region to another at a better cost of living. Also, he doesn't really hate our environment – he loves being close to nature. However, there have been few roadblocks. That is, he was continuing to quit his job and at the same time he was unemployed for almost two years while trying to attend Twitch. He ended up getting a job when I finally lost and told him he needed to bring some money. I have accumulated about $ 10,000 of credit card debt covering part of his expenses and understandably am annoyed by this. So he got a job – when I finally applied for him at a second-hand repair shop that I knew we were renting. He got a job and worked it out for 2 years until 4 months ago when he quit without talking to me more. I knew she was unhappy, and I said I would support her in finding something else, but to please another job in the area before you quit.
Now, this can sometimes be just another way of being disappointed in what has been a long line of disappointments and bills, but TWO MONTHS AFTER his resignation, the landlord / coworker had asked us to leave by the end of the new year. We were going to use this as a last resort and get out of the district because we had saved some money and felt it was the right time. So, I told her, please find something so we don't spend our money for the next four months. He told me he applied for a few jobs, but nothing beats, he just went as far as I could tell.
In the meantime, I'm trying to deal with moving away from my hometown and applying for jobs to find out if there is anything to stick with – going too far and dealing with it or my chronic anxiety (ever having been drinking too much wine and not working with psychologists for advice and treatment). My depression and anxiety, over the years, have also made it difficult for me to deal with problems in my relationships: we've had sex maybe twice in the past year (and not the last year), and apparently depressed (drinking and smoking too much weed, staying up all night, sleeping until be 2 pm), and I can't count on him to offer financial or service (seriously, trying to get him to do the dishes or clean up or take care of everything that happens every day while I'm working is impossible – he always forgets to do these things, which, in turn, can be caused by stress).
As we were approaching and our day out, I thought let's plan to visit Reno as he has a family where we can stay with him while we secure jobs and get organized. Now, it's not my ideal location, but there is a large university where I can get a job (I've worked at the university for almost 9 years in management) and it will be easier to move because it's not a place far away from where we live now. So, I apply for a job similar to the one I'm currently in, get a phone interview, and get an in-person interview. When I got this call, I was horrified. Like, officially PANIC, with all my anxiety and anxiety coming really in the face and I have this really invisible reaction to the imagination perhaps, given the work in a place I don't think I really want to live. (Yes, I know, I would always refuse an offer if it was done, but hello, hello, I don't think well). Thankfully, I have reached out to qualified medical professionals to deal with my mental health and have time to meet with the church to consult with a psychiatrist. However, I canceled my request because my reaction was so bad, I thought it was the only thing I could do, so now that's on the table. Which, TBH, I might be comfortable with, but I didn't tell her about it.
However, now that I'm in this mood, I'm actually questioning everything and I doubt whether it's wise to get rid of this point (obviously I need treatment and medication, which takes time to work), especially for someone who can't keep a job, doesn't have the work or education they would like to pursue, has no car of their own. , he doesn't have his own bank account (any money he gets into my account), he doesn't pay taxes In 10 years (yes I know, I didn't know how he would bring all this), who hadn't bought me a birthday gift or a cash deal in years, that I hadn't talked to, and who would disagree with gun control laws because of Pete.
All this being said, I really care about her and she's a good person. He is very relaxed and walk-and-flow, which helps fight me. I love and care for her, and there is so much I love about her (I honestly have never felt more comfortable with anyone), but I just don't know if I still love her. Also, I feel betrayed and take advantage of it, even though I think he did (anything) cruelly. However, I feel bad that she successfully moved here to be with me and now I am going back with her. Now, I'm torn between breaking up with him or giving him an ultimatum (like going to Reno alone because we hate him here and we who live here together have never been healthy and ever living with your sister and brother – Your father-in-law, get a job, get a bank account, get your own bank account – start being a fucking adult without me supporting all your god is, then we can explore our relationship and move on). How did I break up with him, though? He has no support or resources here and is depressed. Do I take her to Reno or her parents or to a safe place and then go from there? Also, we have to get out of our place EVERY month. It's all coming to a head and I know there may be a certain amount of fear that guides my thoughts. I always tell myself that anxiety is a lie, but really what is my anxiety about? Do you have any tips?
Sincerely,
Fixer-Upper
Anxiety often lies, AFU, but sometimes it's your idea of Spidey, screaming at you that there are things you need to keep an eye on.
And in this case, what this tells you is very simple: DON'T WAIT TO COME TO RENO WITH THIS PERSON.
I'll tell you something I suspect you already know: he was very quick when you asked him to go with you. The two of you were more than a little intoxicated and riding on the oxytocin / dopamine speedball that came at the start of a new relationship, and decided that, of course, you had to kick the road until you knew each other. the best.
If you take more time, you will learn more about your partner's habits and questions of your personality and things that will, in some cases, they may have been breaking the agreements. Yes, his go-to, go-ahead personality and awkward face may have a big impact on your Type-A difficulty, but that exposed personality comes with a tendency to set aside things like work. And jobs. Financial security.
That's a good look anyone, but not a boy can be a boy.
But things happen the way they do now and here he is, terrified at the mere thought of hauling ships to a completely different world so he can come together.
Spoiler alert: he won't continue. Not as long as he's holding his ass as a healer in a select group without DPS glass. Be careful how you get off the donkey and get a job—either work – until you've disappointed him? Notice how you later left the job without warning because you missed it, why?
Your future with this. As long as he is in his running back position, he will continue to play the role of slacker even with Seth Rogen suspended years ago,
I find that you care. It's strange that you are worried that this particular bird of prey looks like it can't leave the nest…. But you've already given your life and tens of thousands of dollars of debt to him. You can continue to support her until she is ready to fly because never will be and he becomes.
If it helps, look at breaking up with him as your way of helping to move on to the next phase of his life. But in fact, he helps yourself
Getting rid of him and letting him go to Reno alone is the best thing you can do, for him and yourself. He was more than seven years old. Now it's time to fly – so get the bison out of the nest. It's up to him to find the idols at the bottom.
Good luck.
Hi Dr. NerdLove,
My problem is that it seems to attract only women who are not spiritually accessible.
The bridesmaids seem to love me, one was recently unhappy in the gray and wanted it to be me raising feelings but could not, several were coming from abusive relationships, only a few saying they were broken without explaining otherwise.
Recently I became like a woman with severe depression, but she canceled all our days and refused anything but texting. I feel like that is misleading as to say nothing about being discouraged. I think that comes up with all those things unless they say otherwise that they are ready for a relationship, and I feel lying if they are not in any way, shape or form. I don't blame them for it, because of their infidelity, it's a tough world out there, bad things have happened to us a lot, or it's not the time.
Part of it is that I am a Dom lifestyle and am very in love with the kink community. That being said even though it has a lot of kinky people with a loving, emotion-filled relationship.
It's frustrating when they wait until I love them, very often, before they declare that they are.
I see myself as a reasonable person but I don't really understand why this happens to me. I hope you can find something for me. I am not so rational as to be completely emotionally unavailable and totally willing to work with that. I just want to respond to that possibility other than to keep it above arm's length at the minute it happens.
Not just a Kink Reduction Machine
A few things, NJKDM.
The first is that yes, part of your problem is that you are a person who is dating someone who only loves the kink community. Not because the kink community is nothing but spiritually accessible and / or corrupt people (in fact; in fact, people in BDSM tend to have better emotional and mental health than people outside of it), but because it starts with a very limited pool of resources, and reduces it greatly. If you expect the inclusion of a prominent 24/7 part to be more than your romantic relationship, you will limit your maximum party size to dating people interested in that power. However, as you have discovered, people are not passion for those who are motivated and those who actually want live it will be very different people. Just because something seems burning in thought does not mean that people will want to deal with your facts. 50 Shy of Gray (I know, I know, just accompany me here) he may have taken a lot of people in the first place, but the fact that this is open does not mean that anyone actually wants to be Anastasia.
Hell, most kinksters I know don't make a living. Kink might have been an important part of who they were, but even Groucho was getting his cigar out of his mouth at once.
But by the same token, people might seek life may not be in the place where they can make it work. As with most things in life, just wanting something doesn't mean it's right for you or that you're ready for it.
I think that's the part you're asking for. I think you strike a chasm between passion and truth and unfortunately, reality often wins some competitions.
I don't think these women, as a rule, are cheating on you. I think, for the most part, they're making good faith efforts to try to make it happen. They may believe, in that moment, that they can get it to work, that they are ready and they know it or they will immediately ahead of time. But seeking does not make it so, and the best of intentions cannot overcome reality. They’re not fooling you, they’ve come up error for what they can accomplish. A person who wants to try to make something work but doesn't lie, is simply unable to make that wish come true. It's frustrating as all hell … but it's not a lie, it's not a lie and it's not bad. It is vain, it is all evil.
However, you cannot control their lives; only you can control your own. Which means your solutions will come from your own control.
When you find yourself with a limited measuring pool, you have two options. You may be working within the limits you have, or trying to expand your potential pool. If you choose the past, you'll have to spend more time getting to know people before you begin to invest in them and think about potential relationships until you know (and know) that they are actually emotionally available.
If you choose the last one…, then you will have to find some faults. That could mean expanding your search to meet people from kink scenes in other cities or towns. It can mean looking at the squares in addition to your own, as a style community. Or it could mean the beginning of a romance outside of the kink community and having your dom / sub relationship separate from your romantic relationship.
But there is one thing I think you haven't thought about here: the fact that these women are passionate about trying from the beginning. The fact that you have women who love you means that they not only attract you but also find you it's safe. He is someone they feel they can try to be vulnerable to, someone they feel they have try to make the relationship work. And if you think that some of these women come from a bad place, it's important.
I find that frustration lurks in your gut like a hamster with a gland problem. But to be a woman who feels safe and secure enough to try to figure this out, even if it's not right for them or for you?
That's something to be proud of.
Good luck.
Did you fall in love with someone holding the age gap? Did you fall in love with the kink community? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
Asked Dr. NerdLove it is KotakuBi-weekly dating lines, managed by Harris O & # 39; Malley only, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Have a question you would like to answer? Write [email protected] and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
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