Do you know where you are wrong? After a long day of firing your Beretta 1301 at random in the desert, you’re home chugging back your InfoWars Ultimate Bone Broth Plus when you realize you’ve used up all of your SSI Sight-Rite chambered cartridge laser drill sights. So you hop in your SUV to head to the nearest Dick’s Sporting Goods, right? Only in the SUV? Is it bulletproof? Is pepper spraying out of the outside mirrors? Does it even come with gas masks? No I do not think so. This is why you want to get yourself one Rezvani revengedesigned by vehicle video game artist Milen Ivanov.
That the Rezvani revenge is real and not some disturbing wet dream that Elon Musk had after watching Batman movies is an indictment on all of humanity. This ridiculously silly vehicle, yours starting at $285,000, is made-to-order and a verifiably preserved creation thanks to bizarre TikTok influencer videos.
Based on the Cadillac Escalade, your standard model has all the features you would expect from your $0.5 million car. Stuff like heated seats, digital OLED dashboard, digital rear view mirror and augmented reality navigation. But it’s only when you start tweaking that this suburban tank becomes truly special.
designing my own on the Rezvani website, I of course started to switch to an additional camo skin finish for only $7,500. Sure, you could buy an entire used car for the price of that color, but do you want to be easily spotted by enemies as you drive through the woods? I then attached some pretty obvious necessities, like a 12,000-pound winch and a roof-mounted LED light bar.
G/O Media may receive a commission
Up to 40% discount
Samsung Smart TVs
Vivid colors and deep blacks
It’s Oscar season, which means it’s time to collect all the nominations ahead of the big day. Why not enjoy these works of art on a new TV from our friends at Samsung?
Inside, I went from seven to eight seats for another $1,500 in case my whole book club needed a ride. Then, because I earned a reward, I added Executive Seating. This turns two of the seats into reclining executive seats with massage, heating and ventilation, along with an inside wet bar, big-screen TV, Apple TV, some iPads, and a beautiful starry night sky available to me for $125,000 at the top of the base Price. After that, of course, I had the headrests embroidered for $1,500.
I am not an engine expert, but I figured the 810-horsepower, 6.2-liter supercharged V8 would be a lot better at showing those climate conspirators a thing or two than the standard 420-horsepower version. I was also worried that without the performance cat-back exhaust system and performance brakes I would look like a real wimp, so I glued those on as well. That raised the price a bit, putting just over $135,000 on the ticket.
Of course the reason I bought this car in the first place was the military package so I wouldn’t skip that! For an additional $125,000 that attaches the vital bulletproof glass and body armor, underside blast protection, electrified door handles, flashing lights, pepper spray dispensers, thermal night vision system and of course the optional explosive device detection and smoke control button. Oh, and the seven bulletproof vests and helmets, which I’m pretty sure are standard on most cars these days.
I was surprised to learn I had to pay extra for a rifle locker, but for $4,500 I wasn’t too upset and of course I opted for the $1,000 steel safe built into the center console — somewhere to keep those dog tags that I bought on eBay and my autographed Billy Ray Cyrus tapes. A few rear-seat entertainment systems for little ones might seem overkill with the executive seating package, but unless you’re overdoing it, I don’t think you’re American.
However, I took enormously Offense at the suggestion of “off-grid” solar panels. Sure, Biden might be about to steal my gas furnace and shut down my backyard coal-fired power plant, but I’ll be damned before I use some of that liberal solar power. Saved $2,500, thanks.
All in all, that’s only $699,750, which is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Um, um, wow. It’s appropriate to put yourself in the mind of someone who takes this embarrassing nonsense seriously. With people able to fork over a quarter million dollars on a car, it seems like the crossover impossible to cater to the ever-expanding market of paranoid Americans from preppers to QAnons enormously.
Rezvani Motors, if you’re lucky enough not to know, is the brainchild of Ferris Rezvani, the son of an Iranian fighter pilot who wanted “Develop a thrill similar to flying an F-4 fighter jet,” but, um, on the ground. The company has been serving overabundant jerks since 2015, most famously with the now-defunct Ferrari-like beast. (Although it restart this year.)
What the hell the Vengeance’s goofy, boxy design has to do with video games, unless they’re aiming for a late ’80s look, is unclear. Bulgarian conceptual artist Milen Ivanov has worked before mobile game Ace Racer and Netflix Fast & Furious Spy Racers, but doesn’t have an enormous pedigree in the industry. We reached out to ask his involvement in the Vengeance design and his thoughts on the military-grade end product, and we’ll be sure to update him should he get in touch. (Even though The Vengeance has been out since last year, Ivanov wasn’t excited enough to put it on his resume.)
Oh, and if the Vengeance doesn’t look like a vehicle solid enough to take your kids to school, don’t forget you can always snag that Rezvani tank.
