Hello, all of you who are nests of self-loathing, and welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, the only advice column in the romance FAQ.
This week, it’s all about what happens after the relationship ends. How do you treat your ex going on while you still hope to be back with him? What do you do when your relationship again, does not seem to be fully realized? And what do you do if your partner's studies leave your relationship lost in limbo?
Are there any opportunities to continue before it expires?
It's time to gird up your loins and make coins. Let's do this.
Good evening Dr. NerdLove,
I come to you seeking advice because I respect your honesty and well thought out answers, which help your students overcome some of the most difficult times in their lives. First, I apologize for the length but it is necessary to get a complete idea of the issue.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend who is almost 4 years old. With as much insult as it happens (and still is), and it's been a long time coming. I ended it with him as he told me he didn't love me anymore. I never wanted it to end this way, or I didn't want that story, but I couldn't bring my energy to keep trying to please him.
She was dating my brother (woman) who is my best friend when I first met her and a few times we talked about it well. In time, she and her boyfriend broke up. As they separated, it gave me and her more time to become friends, and eventually I started working for her. When I asked her on our first date she announced that she had just divorced him (which was news to me as I thought he had left her years ago). After asking around, it turns out that he has never been single and has jumped from one expert to another without a separate heart attack.
Ever since I knew she had been suffering from mental health issues. Even before he fell in love with me, he suffered from anxiety, depression and self-harm. The first few months of dating her were amazing but it was also scary. She was the first girl I've had since I left high school and the first one to sleep with. As a 25-year-old girl, she always said that my virginity was the one that attracted me.
Her mental health problems made it difficult for me to understand at first but after a while, it became easier and I was glad I could get rid of it. I was patient, I was handsome and I was there when he needed a shoulder to cry on.
Our first year together was amazing, we couldn't fault it. Then a few months later (About a year and a half of dating), this is where the discomfort started. She was taking acne treatment but the side effect caused her sex drive to go down. We went from having sex every day to once every 3 months. Suddenly, it hurt us. Even after the negative effects were made to age, sex never returned. I was starting to get frustrated with him and he was going to try to get into a state of confusion, but he wasn't putting any effort into trying to make it work for both of us. Eventually we started planning monthly sex to try and get back to college, but even then it failed.
2 years on, I said no. She has seen that her parents go through a lot of divorce and even though her friends have been teasing her for only a day. I was sad at first but I found out very quickly, because I don't find marriage to be a requirement in today's day and age.
3 years on. He admitted that because I've never had sex, I can meet other partners but we're still having sex for a month. Even our best colleague thought it was a good idea. When I was done with it, it made me realize, I didn't want this and I gave up after one meeting. I have no regrets because it made me realize that I only want my girlfriend. My confidence has been on the roof for the first time in years. It gave me the confidence to see, my skills and my looks are not a problem, it's my girlfriend who needs to improve her confidence. When I told her I had actually experienced it, she was shocked but she did this one day and we went back to normal but we missed our monthly sex day… then the next… and the next. We were back where the issues started.
A few months later her mental health became severe and she had to take three months off to recover from her mental illness. She was put on medication and is now the happiest she has ever had, but I am beginning to think, now she is happy, she no longer needs me to be her caregiver. Over the years I became more and more submissive to him because I wanted to give him a happy life that he never had as a child. I literally did everything for her and she started having a little bratty. As his mental health improved I became stronger and made him start doing things again.
One day she asked if she could join Tinder because she was lonely at home. In fact it was one of the things I suggested to help him build his confidence in the past, so I agreed to let him. I thought it would be sexting and meaningless. However, he told me to "click" with someone and want to meet him. This was way bigger than agreed so I refused to let him. After the argument I finally agreed to see him. But his words "clicked" made me anxious and I broke my spirit and told him I didn't feel comfortable letting him. He came back and took 20 minutes without speaking and finally agreed that they could meet. He had to think about whether he would bring down others.
A few days later he told me, he had planned to meet him after me. I got really angry and came out. When he ran into me trying to explain we were arguing and he revealed that he was not in love with me. I told her it was over. I was heartbroken because I could not give her anything and she was not satisfied with me or the way I treated her like a princess.
It seems to me that my humility has made him lose respect for me and even though the years he had told me that his femininity made him aware of those flaws, deep down he wanted me to control. Maybe I think too much of it.
She will be doing a date with this guy tomorrow (as of writing), I have trained myself as I feel I need to move on quickly. We still live together (separate rooms) and I don't want to make it worse. I hope dating will allow me to regain my confidence and regain my self-esteem. Could there be a chance we can return? If you think there is, how can I show that we are still together and have her back in love with me? I know that I cannot help you if you end your love with me as that is unfortunate. I still have feelings for her and just want to know that she made the right decision rather than admit to having no sex and to argue that it is a backdrop that she no longer loves me.
Sincerely,
A heart attack
Hey man. I hate to get letters like this, HM, because there is no good way to post the news I'm going to give you:
Your relationship ended about three years ago. It just kept going crazy like a zombie because even though none of you saw that or because your girlfriend didn't have the heart to do what needed to be done, which was to put two in her pussy and finally relax.
Here's the thing: I was there. But mostly, I was in the same situation as the girl that year. When my depression got worse, I was placed on the SSRI, among other things, killing my sex driver who killed Elvis. Not only have I not been able to give a six-legged monkey about sex, times Me it's tempting if it were… well, let's just say I could have Christina Hendricks and Kat Dennings broadcast and nothing happened.
A few years later I was bicycled, and my sex drive did not return. Or rather … it did. It was only then that I realized I didn't want to have sex with my girlfriend at that moment. I've passed it on and said "and I think SSR took me back" but it was really me, it wasn't mine. Specifically, I didn't want to be with her.
But it took me another two years to make that happen.
Things you describe your girlfriend doing? All of those were ways to kick a break down the road because he couldn't come and claim the patient was dead. Telling her she doesn't want to get married because you see so many marriages fail? That may be true, but it's also because he doesn't want your relationship to be difficult to get out of.
It throws you into open relationships or at least to meet people "because you weren't there for someone else?" That probably made her hold you back in love with other people in the hope that maybe you & # 39; ll fall out of her hands.
Join Tinder "because he was bored?" That was out of boredom, brother; that was her hitting his hand down the self-injury button.
This is not a case of being too submissive and lying (or being wrong) about his femininity to make her okay with it. This has been a relationship long past their natural life as you both are stuck in something I don't think either of you are prepared to give up.
But that's all you need to do, HM. I find that you take care of her. I find you wish things were different. But unfortunately, there is no way to get her back. This has lasted far longer than you have (and may have seen), and the only thing left is to finally put this on. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can start healing the wound you have left open for a very long time.
Continuing in those days is a good idea. "Skipping someone by being inferior to someone" is not a very fun way to print things, but there is something true to it. Dating other women will remind you that you are not the only woman there. There are many, many many women will find you craving and remind you that just like what you suck for, life it does continue you will find love again.
Go on dates, yes. Restore your self-esteem and become a more confident, more confident person as ever. But don't get into thinking this is the way to get back to your ex. That chapter of your life is alive and well. Next start time.
As bad as it may sound, the thing to remember is that this is not the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. It is simply the end.
You'll be fine. I promise you.
Everything will be fine.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
My partner is in ld limbo and I'm not sure how he should handle it.
The story we met 5 years ago, and when we made it 2-3 years into their phd program. At that time I was so happy to be dating someone who was so diligent about learning and working so hard to get a phd. At that time they told me they would be done for another 2-3 years. As we continued dating it became clear that the program had been extremely difficult and difficult, despite the fact that my partner was trans, so they carried many obstacles. They are now 7 years into the phd program for seven years (longer) and are currently working in the stores because they lost their money last year. They work on ideas working on dissertation / applying for teaching jobs, but I honestly haven't seen any real progress on that front in several years.
I understand that getting a phd is hard, I understand that there was no uncontrollable energy, I don't want to be the girl who always attacks them, however I feel like I'm crazy. If I ask about progress they will say "Yes, well, I will apply to go to university" but if I follow a couple of weeks I find that the post is outdated and they have never applied. It's just a cycle, repeating, for years.
We have talked about this issue. I will tell you how I feel, they will promise to hold you accountable, I also say they MUST want to do better, but how hard it is to sell 30 hours a week. And then it looks like nothing has happened.
I love my partner. I don't want to have them because of phd. I even save a ring to lift. I am in a position that I enjoy hard work, and I am grateful that when they lose their money they find something that will ensure our financial stability. But I feel like this story will never end and I want to get on with our lives. I'm tired of this never ending cloud. I hope you have some tips. Thank you so much for listening.
Sincerely,
She is tired academically
So EE, did you see what I said to Heartbroken Mess about the relationship with the zombies? It sounds to me that your partner is in the same situation. The difference is that instead of their dead relationship, it is their hopes to fulfill their parenthood.
Descriptive is the norm a too much of people in academia: someone who has had ABD (All but Abandonment) and has been for years. Often this is a sign that they are done, but they can't really bring it about acknowledge that things are over.
This is a form of what is known as the Sunk Cost FallacyPeople are loath to give up something to spend their time or money on. This is as true of dreams as it is about jobs, relationships or gambling. In this case, your partner's pursuit of their doctor. If they actually tap into the cause of this, then it's the same as accepting that seven years ago would have been meaningless, and that's really hard to do. It's very difficult when we have a culture that is united in love with the idea of "RAISE YOUR RULES ARE NOT LIKE THAT!" If you let something go wrong obviously, doesn't that mean you just don't want it enough or you don't have a line to make it happen?
No one wants to allow that themselves, even if it's a bull. Some dreams are meant to be realized, and it can be very difficult to deal with.
But at the same time, giving up one dream means finding out what you are indeed wanting or needing something is completely different. I mean, personally speaking: I spent the better part of two decades trying to become a professional musician. It was until I allowed that that I was relieved to find that I had other passions and interests, lead ing to my career today.
The plan is just getting by them accepting that they have checked.
What you may need to do is drop the gauntlet. If – and this is a big if-you can pursue things financially, it would be best to tell them that you will give them a year to progress in their PhD. If, by the end of that year, they haven't made significant, significant progress, it's time now to let it go.
Will that work? Hard to say. Having a deadline – and the pressure of "Yes, partner to put a line in order to make this happen" – he can light a fire under his ass and force them to return to it.
Or it may make them feel that they have given up in the past and are unwilling to admit it themselves.
But if they argue with it, if they say "No, I'll do this" then they move on no move on, then it may be time Negative Chat, when you sit down with them and tell them you love them, that you want to build a life with them, but they have been in this situation for YEARS and now it's starting to get in the way of your life together. And when you consider how little progress they've made, it looks like it's just going to affect your future until they catch a fish or cut a hedge. Let them know: if they are invested in your relationship as you are, then they need to make a call and may be fully filing to end it or leave it alone, for this filth will drag you down.
And then it's in their hands. Hopefully this will be the wakeup call they need.
Good luck.
Hi Dr. NerdLove.
My story then is about a 9 month roller coaster.
Small domain first. I am a 38-year-old man who is divorced with two children.
After my divorce, I fell in love with here and there and succeeded. Then, in March of 2019, I met someone online. We got together, beat it well, and had a great first day. It was clear that there was good communication and chemistry immediately between us.
Since that first day, we have been closed. We just met again, a couple of weeks ago, we had been talking and spending time together again. I know where this road leads. But for some reason I'm addicted to it. I care deeply for her. He is not the type of person to share feelings or emotional ones. The moments I shared with him how I felt with him, pushed him away, and we started to break things up. Before things fall apart, he becomes cold, talks little, and even neglects to find ghosts. He has mentioned a few times that he does not want all the things that come with a great relationship. Something, I can combine her life with independence, and I want her time. I am an easy going guy who needs to get in touch. When she communicates needs, requirements and boundaries, I totally comply. But even after all that, for some reason, we still find a way back to each other.
When we meet, he is very enthusiastic. I want to go out, send messages first, I'm really in love, etc. Over time, I am the one who reaches out first, makes plans, and calls to him. Then, after a while, I could see his tendency. I have to say, in these 9 months of departure and going on, we have never argued, or disagreed on anything major. When we are open, good time. He knows I care deeply for him. Okay, I'll say it! I love this girl. He knows that, and although he despises sharing feelings and feelings, he still impresses me.
But, I'm getting to the point where I can't do this. What is used and what is not good for me. At the same time, I want to be with her. He shakes my world. The only thing is, I don't know how I really feel. Do you care about me deeply or do you love me too? Or do I have friends whose benefits he likes to play for the house every 3 months? Does he break up with her because she feels vulnerable and doesn't want to lose her independence, or does she not want to separate me? I can't see him.
Of course I can't ask her these things for fear that I will damage our latest body. I guess I just wait for her to catch up and then finally tell me how she really feels. But that may never come.
So, Dr. NerdLove, any advice would be great!
Thank you.
The Cat and the Mouse
Here's my advice, CAM: use your keywords.
Look, I can tell you exactly why his addiction. He is facing what is known as periodic tightening. The fact that you hit hot and cold – first you like it, and then it throws you in the air – leaves you feeling insecure and uncertain. You want to hit the high when he is with you, but know that it will stop slowly and almost anything else it may calm him down and it means you can never be sure where you stand. So now you desire the reward of the highest and you work hard to get it.
But as exciting as it is, it costs a lot – which you already realize. The cycle of repetition, of exhaustion is exhausted, gives your soul away and leaves you in an insecure state of insecurity.
You already know this. You and he knows that his pattern hasn't changed and that he hopes maybe this time it will pay off and he will continue to work. That same idea that keeps people pumping the forums into the repair machine, and it succeeds. Someone may get a big payout, but odds are it will be small.
Straightforward talk, CAM: the fact that you have met and separated three times in nine months is not a sign of a good relationship. In fact, I can tell you that you are much better off from the other side. Whether you like it or not, the fact of the matter is that a healthy the relationship will not feel like pulling teeth. Even though he has sincere feelings for you and it is only his responsibility that keeps him from giving in, the relationship as healthy is unhealthy.
Someone will have to break this cycle. May you too.
As you of course you know you will end up in the end, you know you have nothing to lose. So again you can call the question again have a Definition of Relationship with Him trying to find answers. Best case scenario, you both have access to the same page and have some resolution to this loop you're holding. Maybe you will be able to make a change in a real relationship and you will know that you are not a threat to his independence.
The worst case? You take it out. As he did all time. If so, you will get your answer. And if it does suck, it will also mean that you're free to find someone it is not will be shown every three months as a stray cat waiting for attention.
Did you stay with your ex after the trip? Have you had to help a partner give up your long-term desire? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
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Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
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