“The game is so good, I forgot the time,” I immediately felt like this random internet guy was exaggerating. We all know how time works, so let’s just say it’s a good game. You don’t need this level of exaggeration, just liking something is exaggerated, and you go from “this game is great” to “this game is so great that it makes all other games obsolete”. There are 10 billion wasps around the trash can! No, no, Timmy. I saw about three.
So, as you can imagine when I played one of the newest games from Vampire Survivors, I was in total shock, stunned, drool dripping from the sides of my face, sticking to my beard, eyes wide open as if to undergo a corrective laser Same as surgery. Coming to Xbox Game Pass on consoles and PC. This game is so good I almost ruined my lunch.
Let me create the scene for you with this little story of discovery and grief. I made a vegetarian curry for my family last night because I knew I would have some left over for lunch today. My plan is great. I just have to drop by Lidl for a naan on my way home from school in the morning and I’ll have a pretty tasty, easy lunch.
The first part of the plan was simple and executed like Agent 47. I was in and out of Lidl in about 60 seconds, got home at 8:45, and had time to make three coffees before work at 9. Great stuff.
After a few hours of solid work, I started to eat lunch. Wanting a little game time, I hopped on my Xbox and downloaded Vampire Survivors. I’ve seen people exaggerate it and it’s a quick game because it looks like it’s running on the Amiga. While downloading, I put the curry in the microwave and the naan (not two, Jeremy) in the oven. No need for a timer, I think, since the microwave will beep and the scones will be ready by then.
I walked into the living room and the smell of some grated garam masala hit my nostrils. I fire up Vampire Survivors and then talk about the old-fashioned setting with all the joys of a real vampire in a nursing home. I’m addicted to the incredibly fun, easy gameplay (walk around and let the weapons fire around you) and somehow didn’t hear the microwave beeping. naan – I’m sorry to say – won’t be going to Lavender Lodge with her friends. Burnt to a crisp.
It’s a sad story, and I’m sure you’ll agree. But when I have some free time or a few hours, I end up with a new game to throw myself into. I’ve played it on Xbox, but I can see it working great on Steam Deck, which is where I’m going to play next. I’ve barely read anything about Vampire Survivors, but it’s kind of like Geometry Wars’ pacifist mode — something I really liked at the time. You have to avoid enemies in certain places, but attacks are essential to level up and get new gear and money. Its balance is perfect.
If, like me, you’ve seen some footage of Vampire Survivors and scoffed at how it looks, I’m here to ask you to give it a chance. Hopefully it doesn’t cause the scones to burn when you do this.
Big twist: I bought a two-pack and didn’t make the same mistake twice.
