In the magazine business, the back page is where you’ll find all the weird nonsense we can’t fit anywhere else. Some might call it “filler”; we prefer “an entire page for making terrible jokes tangentially related to the magazine’s content.” We don’t have pages online, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, The Back Page.
Today, Jim sneaks into Nintendo HQ and dumps the contents of a file labeled ‘PLAN B’…
I don’t have much time so I’ll do this quickly.
Thanks to my uncle’s hard work, I was able to sneak into Nintendo’s secret vault located in an undisclosed location in London.
As I moved through the shadows past rooms s tocked with pre-packaged copies of Zelda remasters and doors that simply read “MOTHER 3 (WEST) — DO NOT OPEN,” I came across a table, littered with files and assorted Nintendo paraphernalia that immediately caught my eye.
While looking through the pile of Geno amiibo, I noticed a black folder with “PLAN B” written on top. I curiosity got the better of me and, putting away the plastic figurines, I picked up the Wii U GamePad paperweight that held everything in order and glanced at the contents.
What I read shocked me to the core. Those were the plans for next year, year beige ‘Switch 2’. Flipping through the pages, I saw a number of re-releases and remasters, all finely tuned in their timing to keep Nintendo fans present as the Switch makes its way through its eighth year on the market.
Suddenly, footsteps. I grabbed my phone and snapped some pictures of the most shocking pages while memorizing the others. I closed the folder and quickly jumped into a nearby cabinet full of unreleased LABO packs and Wiimote accessories. The guard—a big American with the build of Reggie Fils-Aimé (though I didn’t see his face)—walked through the room and I managed to escape.
I’m sure I only have a few minutes before the deadly ninjas find me. But this information needs to be seen. Please take what I have to show you as an absolute fact.
This is what I can remember (and was quick enough to take a photo of) of Nintendo’s console-less 2024 plans.
“PLAN B” – Nintendo’s secret plans for 2024
The home page was boring and unassuming. It was stated exactly what the document would be about. The clear message “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2 UNTIL 2025” immediately caught my eye and I couldn’t help but notice that someone had drawn in the bottom corner. Is that a PS5 on fire? Did Miyamoto draw that? From here the questions would only continue…
From here on there was no messing around. You might think that an important document like this has a little more filler to hide the juicy bits, but I can tell you that’s wrong. This is the right file and it’s clear that whoever made it didn’t have the time or creative power to clutter it up with unnecessary corporate speak.
And so we realized the plans for Direct for February 2024:
Crazy, right? Yes, the release dates are not surprising and of course more
Speaking of real geeks, I thought it might be worth shooting a page titled “Da Movies” (I can only guess in regards to that Vin Diesel video). We knew Nintendo wanted to branch out and become a multi-armed entertainment company, but this is next level:
A discarded sticky note carelessly tossed aside seems to suggest that Nintendo is looking for more Doug Bowser-esque name-brand synergy in its executives over the coming months. Vanessa Kirby, Ridley Scott, Zelda Williams and Gino D’Acampo (pending spelling change) have all been listed as potential options.
The June Direct page left me with even more questions: When will the remasters end? Who would leave such an important document on the table? Is it an Aerial font? But Reggie the guard’s footsteps grew louder and I knew the contents had to be seen to be believed.
I had a hunch that some of this year’s remasters would be a little obscure, but the return of the Super Scope Battle Clash sequel, Metal Combat: Falcon’s Revenge? It’s a bit like scraping the bottom of a barrel. Hey, if Nintendo can actually work out the Switch’s motion controls, we might be on to something.
Lacking time, I skipped taking photos of the next few pages. One was about a mobile app called “Pikmin Bloomier‘ and had a lots of notes written in red next to its contents. Another detailed a lengthy email chain in which Masahiro Sakurai repeatedly asked for a Kid Icarus: Uprising Switch port, but refused to explain how he “revolutionized the control scheme” when asked.
And so we come to the last page I managed to photograph before I had to run away: the plans for the last Direct of the year. Honestly, it looks like we’ll be going out with a little whimper, although the emphatic “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2” points to the fact that in 2025 power be different.
I hope the above information was helpful. It was a dangerous mission, but this deserves to be seen.
Fortunately, I seem to have come through unscathed. Yes, a yellow van emblazoned with “Super Mario Bros. Plumbing” has been parked in front of my house for a few days now, but I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about.