Hello, all of you electric clouds of death knives, and welcome Asked Dr. NerdLove, a dating advice column only to help you with the new game + of your love life.
This week, we head straight into the heavy topics. How do you handle things when you find out your friend's feelings are not on the benefits and benefits? What do you do when your partner suddenly decides that they want a baby, but you? And how do you handle things when things get tough in your relationship and suddenly your best friend looks really nice to you?
It's time to upload the old save to the new game.
Let's do this.
Hi Dr. NerdLove,
Three years ago, I had just left a three-year relationship, preceded by a six-year relationship. I was in my mid-20s, totally ready for a hobby, and got into dating apps for the first time. Clearly I wanted nothing serious and I soon met a man who wanted the same. We were both looking forward to this on our first day. Our body chemistry was intense and we started seeing each other at least once a week. This went on for about a year. We never talked about it but it always felt that we could see other people at the same time. I've done it a few times, but for the most part satisfied with our relationship.
Here's the tricky part: I would have been content with being a straightforward, collectible phone, but from the beginning, he always loved her very much. She cooked a detailed meal for me (she was a good cook and seemed to enjoy having a good workout), she used to use loving nicknames (“cutie,” “sweetie-pie” (I knew – gag – but at that time it sounded good)), and we would do sort of daily tasks at least every week. or two. We have shared many unusual interests of pop culture and have enjoyed spending time together even if it is not sex. He loved the PDA, which I do too (sorry, everyone). She met all my friends at work when I brought her to my company holiday party. This went on for about a year and I was comfortable with the strong openness (I wouldn't call it an open relationship as we never used the words "boyfriend," "girlfriend," or "relationship").
After that I circulated two circuits. I actually said, "this was fun while it lasted, thanks for the memories!" But he said he hoped it would not be the last time they met. After that, he flew straight to visit me in my new city a month later and we spent a fun, romantic weekend together. I didn't know anyone in my new town and I enjoyed spending time with him. She gave me a necklace she bought for me while I was on vacation. A few months later, I visited his hometown for work, and we spent another weekend together. A few months later, he had plans to visit my hometown again, this time in part to meet old friends, but had planned part of the trip to spend with me. He introduced me to a childhood friend.
By this time I had begun to miss her. Like, it hurt physically to be in a different situation. When she visited him I told her I loved her. I said I never thought he felt the same way, but I was surprised at how my feelings turned out and I never thought that the same might happen to him – I just needed to know.
Long story short, he never felt the same way. She has commented that she probably felt loved by me during my departure but never felt so taken with anyone. He also explained that he had been seeing someone else for a while – now I've decided that this may have happened all along and it sounds like a completely open relationship, even though he never used that phrase; I'm still genuinely confused about that part but I've heard that 90% is sure that he wasn't designing anyone else with me.
I had minimized my injuries, rested for the rest of the weekend, and visited him in his hometown a few weeks later, and finally said hello. He understood why things were so bad for me to keep going but he still wanted to communicate. I really don't want to and I don't.
Flash Forward: My current boyfriend has been talking crazy about me and I want to have no one else since our first date. A year and a half in, it's the love of my life, and I couldn't be happier.
It took months but I had a hard time getting rejected. Today, I have a strong desire to be with this other person and to be happy that things finally work out the way they did. But I hate that thinking about him still brings back the hurt and confusion of the moment, and I think if I could just understand what happened to me, I'd be better equipped to give up completely. I need to hear what this looks like from the outside. This is the only time I've ever had my heart broken but I'm not sure if I thought he was being ridiculous or if I had an unpleasant case of wrong love.
Was I an idiot for developing feelings that I could do? Am I wrong about feeling a little … tortured? Am I wrong to feel frustrated to be upset when I get into 100% free surgery?
Final thought: I have a completely baseless suspicion that this brother may have some sex addiction issues – not because he can't seem to get enough sex (and he did say through dating apps to find a regular company in the lounge) but because of the way he easily fell in love habits. You want to know if it's possible for you to jump too.
Thanks in advance for your understanding,
– Recovery from Mind Fuck
I have no doubt what the arrests feel like, RFAMF. I can tell you exactly what happened: your old FWB was treating you like a baby girl. In all of this I said that you didn't want anything serious, it was just awkward and didn't have to be threads … well, and, as a result, they were all like a couple in everything but words.
I mean, the names of the dinners, the dates, the gifts, the meeting with your friends and colleagues, the romantic weekend? All of that is a moral couple. And one of the most amazing wonders of human behavior is that we exist it's bad are not liars; if we behave in a certain way long enough, we actually start feel it thus. That's part of why actors who play couples in movies end up in relationships so often; Cross to the right direction enough times and your brain will take all those input and take the "Oh, we must love!" then you start taking out oxetocin and then suddenly how much you talk about chemicals and that this must mean something.
That's why the key maintaining an unpleasant relationship It's you I don't know act like a couple. It is very easy to get into a relational framework without any explanation by treating your meeting as dates. Romantic receptions, candlelight meals, flowers and beautiful nicknames are all expected; you train yourself to see it as a day and your mind begins to respond appropriately.
You guys? You did everything of that. And you're caught up in the feeling. It was either unavoidable or greatly reduced.
Now that doesn't mean that the only thing you can do is just break down a hotel like a couple of minted stars, and it doesn't mean you have a hit-it-and-leave-it graphic to your relationship. Because it's yours relationships it's not normal doesn't mean you're in charge partner hypocritically. There are no strings attached that would mean that you do not need to treat your partner's feelings as they matter. General Relationships still relationships, making the relationship work requires communication and clarity. You want to make sure you're both on the same page, and when things don't work out – or when one of you starts to feel like you'd like a rope behind – it's important that you feel like you can talk and say things. Just because you two aren't expecting a commitment or a future together in the long run, doesn't mean that anyone appreci ates being treated like a sex toy with legs.
This was the case with you and your beau. The fact that you both aren & # 39; t official & # 39; that does not mean you can skip that part. And as a result: you ended up setting two expectations and got injured.
But I don't think he did this deliberately. I don't think he went out of his way to grab you just to get the rug out from underneath you or to blow your heart out to find lumps of crap in an '90s indie movie. Or in that case I don't think he had any issues with commitment or something went wrong with him. That sounds a lot like your wanting to back up the reason why this is a detriment or a mistake for him to explain things.
I think the real answer is much simpler and more restrained: I suspect they never are it happened it's different. Of course, how do you have people who are in love with her, but since no word does not say the magic "D" word, then obviously she is in love, no one should touch it and so everything was fun.
I think he was honest in his opinion… not optimistic about how his actions would come.
It is Hanlon's practical action: Never make a mistake when someone's behavior can be described as equivalent to folly.
The fact is, most people seek normal relationship but I don't know how to do it save , so they treat you like a normal relationship and get confused when their partners are hurt by the way they work. But the fact that they intend to hurt them does not mean that it hurts them.
This was the case with you: your relationship felt a little easier than you intended, so you were hurt. The fact that it was due to ignorance and not evil does not do him any harm. It is tiring, but it can be comforting to know that this was simply a human error.
Let that give you the closure you need, so that you can draw a curtain on that particular relationship. The past is just a precursor, and those decisions (and mistakes) have led you to where you are now: happy with an amazing partner. That, I think, is an important thing to take away from this.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
I am writing to A) in the hope of getting much-needed advice and B) to get everything in my head in writing.
So Status: I'm a 32-year-old boy from Australia. My girlfriend of about 1 and a half is 36 and I'm crazy, I'm in love with this girl.
In a sense, we started our relationship as a kind of casual arrangement, where he lived a little crazy but totally encouraged me to go out and see other people. I don't really feel the need to do this, and I was very happy to be very happy, but I saw it a few times I saw other people, she understood this and knew nothing. and we live very far from each other so our relationships often consisted of texting throughout the week and meeting each other for a weekend or casual evening if we could take turns.
Recently we were going to have dinner, to discuss the availability of children, as we got closer and less risky last year, and these kinds of things are starting to come now at this point in our relationship.
She is worried that she may not have children if she waits for a long time, so that is the first thing in her life, and that is something she wants to do in the next 12 months. On the other hand, I don't want kids under any circumstances, which I have given a lot of thought to in the last 10 years or so, and it's not a decision I take lightly.
We had been talking about this when we first met, but I don't think it was anything that any of us thought would be a problem, as we thought the relationship of the relationship might have begun, so re-understanding this now and having such a conflict on priorities affected him a lot, and obviously you are upset about this.
Now what do we do?
It doesn't matter what we do, I feel like someone will be chained to a decision for the rest of their life.
This girl means everything to me and I've never felt this way about anyone else. All I want is for her to be happy, but if I allow this, I will be bringing another human life to this planet that I strongly disagree with.
Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated, as I don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
UnDad Nightmare
Before I get to your specific situation, UDN, I want to talk a bit about it maintenance of relationships. Most couples will talk about their expectations and goals when they have their first priority Defining Relationship Talk… But don't realize that this is a in progress discussion. Relationships are not static, marble carved and immutable like mountains. Relationships are organic, and they grow, evolve and change over time. People are changing, priorities are changing and needs are changing within relationships. This means that the relationship is personal and Changes, meaning that the people involved need to be able to understand what these relationships mean to them.
Another thing to remember is that relationships have a life time with them. Not all love stories are meant to be a beautiful poem. Some love stories are short stories. Some are just dirty meters. That does not mean that there is something it's not good relationship or that it was a failure because one of you didn't die in the pool; it means your relationship has been good for you for some time, and then comes to a natural conclusion.
So, unfortunately, that's the case with you right now. I hate to tell you this, UDN: there is no way to measure a particular circle. There is no way to compromise about having children. You can have a baby for a year or two to test it out and submit it if you decide this is not yours. Putting it down by the road won't work; all of which guarantees that you will be in the same situation, only worse because your girlfriend is feeling the time to expire. Options like scrambling her eggs won't work because … well, you've already made up your mind.
The cold fact is that one of you will get what they want and the other is not. And if we consider the enormity of this decision, that would be the shaking of the one who has to grant his wish. And that's the kind of thing that can take a relationship i can be successful – because you can still have successful relationships, even if they last – and stop everything from becoming angry and angry.
The thing to note is that there is no good or bad person here. This is not a mistake in your relationship or a sign that you both did wrong. You both were good for each other and a year and a half together… but now you both have grown and changed, and what worked in the past will not work now.
I wish I had some very interesting advice for you but if you are both at risk here, then the kind thing to do would be to break up. If having a baby is a must-have, especially within a year, then the best thing for it is to find the person you want to have. If you are willing will never have a child, then you want to find a partner on the same page.
And if you're determined that you don't want to have a baby, if so, I highly recommend going for a vasectomy. Taking the ability to get the kids to the table will help to reduce the odds that this will happen again in the future and ensure that a random chance will not bring the choice out of your hands.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Glad to find your site and how you provided advice to troubled lovers, Doctor. I want to know your thoughts about me I want to communicate with my ex.
I am currently in a 5 year relationship with someone who has treated me with so much respect and kindness. However, he has had issues in his life that eventually lead to depression. This has been going on for years now and was having a huge impact on our relationship. We love each other and I want her to be happy …. but I'm already tired.
Last week I was with my ex, because we have the same friends. I have been seeing him for 5 years and now I have always wanted to talk to him and do things that are forbidden. She tried to talk to me, but I didn't get much involved in the conversation because I didn't want to make my current boyfriend bored. However when I try to forget my ex, it makes me want more. Let's have a good closure. The end was really bad. But chemistry still exists.
I need to say these things:
I love my boyfriend but I have needed fresh air away from all the pain you have had for so long.
I do not choose to be in a committed relationship with my ex because I cannot give her the love and appreciation that I can give my present.
I want to cheat and this is totally wrong. Help!
Checked Between Two Favorites
First things first: I suggest you go read my previous column. What I told Dream Lover about their making assumptions about their ex also applies to you.
But the next thing you need to do is start to see what's going on here. You are frustrated and tired because your boyfriend's mental health issues are affecting you as well. Understandable; we don't talk about it because it feels colorful and cruel, though it can be hard you live with someone living with depression. It can be frustrating and exhausting because it sounds like it's turned on you trying to fix or slow things down, and failed. Tiredness is hard work, the numbness is something that has happened and it can be difficult to move around because … well, you feel like you agree that it's affecting you. I understand that to the best of your knowledge you know that it is not their fault, but that does not stop you.
So you feel depressed and tired of your boyfriend's condition – and hopefully he gets treatment for his depression – and ours will come. And while things might have ended with fire, blood and screaming… he is not hotter than a volcano.
And like a volcano, he promises to make everything explode… sadly with the universe. That is you are kind what you need right now.
Part of what you are experiencing right now is simply the difference between your loved one – depressed, tired – and someone – hot, strong, cordless or in trouble. That difference is attractive. However and others something interesting now killing him will end your relationship with your boyfriend. It's not that you want your ex to stand up for the opportunity to slow down your fist on the problem of self-harm. Letting the Mount Saint Hottie hit the top represents a quick and easy way to dismantle the situation and leave you with a complex unity within 30 minutes of square sounds.
But I don't think that's what you really need. I think it's just the inconvenience you are talking about, the freaking voice of "fuck this, blow it all to pieces," not what you need.
So I think you need two things.
First: I think you need time away from your boyfriend. Not yours relationships, but only for a brief moment of “you”. Maybe a trip with your friends. Maybe just time to get out of the house will do the things you love and allow to increase your batteries. Giving yourself a name for being a “good” partner is a way to end relationships as slow and abusive as possible. Getting a little time to work out and getting ready to regain that as an individual AND the relationship as a whole gestalt. As the saying goes: you need to put on your oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs.
Second: CLICK THE STORE AT YOUR TIME. Block her from social media, block her number, and refuse to see her in person. The way you handle temptation is not to try to consolidate your past with great power, it puts barriers between you and you so that you can travel “by mistake” with the world in his world. If it is not easy for you to approach him, it is easy to resist temptation. That a small form of opposition leads to a better outcome—no fucking this dude-it's easy to stick your guns.
What you are dealing with is a temporary situation; cheating on your boyfriend – which is way downhill now – is a permanent (and disappointing) solution. Block your ex, go and rebuild your batteries, help your boyfriend get the help he needs and I think you'll find that this too, will pass, without having to waste things as they go.
Now when it comes time to decide that this relationship no longer works for you? After that be sure, finish things off. But you can finish things respectfully and take care of your partner, not just put a fuck-bomb in the mix and hope that shrapnel doesn't hurt TOO too much.
Good luck.
Did you like the feel of your FWB? Do you and your partner disagree about having children? Share your story in the comments below and we'll be back with some of your questions in two weeks.
Asked Dr. NerdLove it is KotakuFree weekly protective lines, managed by Harris O & # 39; Malley only, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Have a question you would like to answer? Write [email protected] then put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O & # 39; Malley is a writer and dating coach who offers geek dating tips on his blog Drives Dr. NerdLove and Dr. NerdLove is a YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game +: Geek's Guide to Love, Sex and Dating out now from Amazon, ITunes and everywhere good books are sold. He is also a regular visitor e One of Us.
You can find receptive fluids and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.