i went in The Super Mario Bros. Movie without much opinion on Bowser as a character, and I came out a changed woman.
I knew he was the big bad guy and that he wanted to kidnap Princess Peach, but that was about it. Most of my Mario familiarity comes from Mario Party and Mario Kart games, which are mostly about having fun with friends in a local multiplayer environment, rather than delving into Mushroom Kingdom lore. Walking into the film I expected Bowser to be the same big villain – and I was right to a certain extent.
But The Super Mario Bros. Movie Version of Bowser isn’t just the king of the koopas who selfishly wants to kidnap a princess – he actually has a huge crush on her and thinks she’s the coolest and most beautiful girl in the world. Jack Black, voicing Bowser, masterfully alternates between the conquering Emperor and an anxious dude who just wants his crush to notice him. Not only is he nervously rehearsing his marriage proposal with his Magikoopa counselor, Kamek, he’s also writing her an entire song at the piano, singing “Peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches” in the same improvisational style I use when I’m spontaneously singing songs about invent my cat Beneath that impressive and powerful exterior hides an awkward, shy personality that blushes when his crush does something cute.
In short, dear reader, this version of Bowser captured my heart.
I know people have always been thirsting for Bowser ever since they’ve been able to draw and share awesome fan art. I get the longstanding fascination with villainy’s sexy potential. I get it. But at the same time, I never really rooted for him because the Mario games didn’t seem particularly capable of stoking shipping requests. There’s no real romantic potential in them, and that’s okay.
But now I finally get the whole idea of Bowser Durst. I see the koopa he is behind the rugged, rugged exterior. And what an adorable, sweet Koopa this is! I would cuddle Bowser too.
So, dear Bowser – special The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) Bowser, played by Jack Black – please know that while Princess Peach may not accept your hand in marriage, Princess Petrana most certainly will. I’m not deterred by your desire to conquer the world. In fact, that’s a bonus for me. I will happily rule by your side as long as you promise to serenade me and hold my hand as we conquer the world.
The new Mario Movie version of Bowser isn’t just a capable leader – he has a sensitive side too! Yes, OK, maybe he’s not taking a rejection as maturely as he should, but at the same time I think Peach is jumping to judgment on his proposal without full consideration. She judges Bowser by his looks and some prejudices! No wonder he snaps in the end. He is unsure!
That’s okay because their loss is my gain. At least I had a romance Garrus Vakarian in Mass Effect, so the fact that Bowser is a big, scaly, reptilian man is a bonus for me. I recognize that this relationship needs some work, but at the same time I think I can fix it. All the elements are there – the devotion, the sensitivity, the power. Like my other relatively new villain, Namor, Bowser has immense power and ambition, but still a gentler side. He just needs to tune in a bit. We can work on that together.
Also, as supreme empress over Bowser’s kingdom and surrounding domains, I’d look cool and sexy, but that’s another story. Peach can remain a figurehead in the mushroom kingdom, but let’s face it: it’s not like she’s done much as a ruler other than being very good at an obstacle course.
(For what it’s worth, I asked my husband what he thought of my proposed arrangement with Bowser. He replied, “No comment.”)
Bowser (special The Bowser one The movie), consider this my official application for Princess of the Koopas and Bride-to-Be. I will wait for your reply and practice my platform skills.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie is now in cinemas.