In the magazine business, the back page is where you’ll find all the weird nonsense we can’t fit anywhere else. Some might call it “filler”; we prefer “an entire page for making terrible jokes tangentially related to the magazine’s content.”
We don’t have pages online, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, The Back Page. This is about cows.
Are you ready to moan? Do you want to be pushed to the limit of the udder? Well then you’ve come to the right place, dear friends, because this is perhaps the pinnacle of my work here at Nintendo Life: The semi-definitive top 12 cows in video gamesbased on a proprietary and top secret rating system that I will not disclose at this time.
I intended to succeed all cows in video games but then I started counting all the Harvest Moon games, and I wanted to throw myself off a cliff, so I narrowed it down to just 12 (plus honorable mentions). You are good-cow-me.
Resident Evil 4
Did you know that Resi 4 has a cow? Well, now you know. Yes, the people of Valdelobos have a lot on their plates, what with Los Illuminados and the Plagas and Salazar gone mad, plus some weirdo who looks like a guy and his useless friend who steals all their ammo and valuables, but that doesn’t mean they can’t still doing some good old cattle farming.
This rather skinny cow lives in a village with all her little cow friends and offers a short respite from all the Things that want you dead. This cow doesn’t care if you live or die, Leon, as long as you don’t try to kill her first. Just live your happy cow life, completely oblivious to the terror that awaits you, because cows don’t know what zombies are. I envy this cow and her blissful ignorance.
Stardew Valley
Why so low, Stardew? Well, these cows are just… good. They are just fine. They only come in two varieties — white and brown — and they don’t have any fun milky taste. Even the Stardew chicks come in blue, black and gold!
ConcernedApe is clearly not a cow guy and that’s okay, you know? But given that ConcernedApe has concretely speaking that it was influenced by the early Harvest Moon games… where’s the cuteness in that? Where is the lovely round nose? I’m sorry Mr. Baron, but if you can put dinosaurs in the game, you can make your cows at least 20% rounder.
Divinity: Original Sin 2 – Definitive Edition
If you played Baldur’s Gate 3then please check out Larian Studio’s previous work, Divinity: Original Sin 2, an RPG with all the heart of BG3, but with less Dungeons & Dragons influence. In DOS 2, you can summon bloodstains to help you fight, kiss a skeleton, and invade lizard dreams — oh, and you can save two people who have been polymorphed into cows.
Now, these cows are not particularly cute or lovable. Their names are Geraldine and Mabel and they are just normal people who have been turned into cattle. You’ll have to deal with exploding rats, electric frogs, potion making, and a witch fight to save them both, which doesn’t sound too hard, but surprise — it’s actually one of the hardest fights in the game, and you’re probably only level 5 at this point. And then, when you’re done with that, go back to the human-cows and return them to normal human life.
The reason they are on this list is because they are very funny. It’s fun to listen to two haunted cows fight over whether or not they want to talk to you, and it’s even funnier if you come back without being able to talk to the animals, which will result in the two of them fighting just as much, but in moo. There’s even a bonus surprise you’ll get when you successfully turn them back into human form — but I won’t spoil it.
Oh, and if you drink the potion yourself? Congratulations, idiot. Now you are a cow. Permanently.
Minecraft
Minecraft cows are not cute. In fact, because of their blank stare at the wall, I want to avoid them as much as possible. But I can’t deny that they are iconicand even better, they are tastes. There’s your basic cow, which comes in brown and white, roaming the fields waiting to be turned into beef. There is also a beautiful, unique variant Mooshrooms; these the guys come in red and brown variants and are the sole inhabitants of the mushroom field biome, where other mobs cannot spawn.
I’ll tell you a short story: in Nova Scotia, where I live, there is a place called Sable Island. It’s a small crescent of sand in the Atlantic, and nothing lives there… except about 500 wild horses. These gentle creatures roam free, unmolested by most humans, doing whatever horses do. I think that’s wonderful. Mooshrooms remind me of Sable Island horses. They know nothing of conflict or trouble. They just vibrate, man. I think that’s wonderful.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Most of the cows on this list are here because they are adorable. This cow – and it is one particular cow from Okara’s time – is here because I admire her. Because it asks deep and thoughtful questions about life. Because it teaches us the value of perseverance and determination.
This is a cow in a hole. Specifically, the cow that lives in the Secret Cave, which is located in Death Mountain and Hyrule Field. All the other cows in the game live on the Lon Lon ranch, except for one cow that lives in a cage in Kakariko village (the poor thing), and this cow, the cow in the hole, the cow that lives alone in the cave. How did the cow get there? How does a cow stay alive? Is the cow okay?
If you play Epon’s song to the cow, she’ll actually talk to you before giving you milk, saying that the song “reminds me of a pasture,” which is surprisingly touching dialogue from the mysterious cave cow. Then he says “take some of my refreshing and nourishing milk”, which again makes things weird. Free milk though.
Side note: Did you know it actually exists Cow% OoT speedrun? And that the current record is 28m 48s? Video games are so great.
The Mario Kart series
Apologies to Moo Moo Meadows and Moo Moo Farm fans — I know you’re here and probably my main audience for this list — but for this one, I’m going to combine the three cow versions. First, there are the Moo Moo Farm cows from Mario Kart 64: round, blank-eyed and very obviously a 2D billboard in a 3D world, they are close to the platonic ideal of the Good Cow, but their flatness combined with their inability to get off the damn road it makes them more of a nuisance than a friend.
Moved from the 2D realm to 3D at long last, Mario Kart Wii’s Moo Moo Meadows cows were an amazing update to the timeless cow classic, but… well… they’re just cow-shaped, you know? I love a cow in cow form, but as you’ll learn from the rest of this list, I love a cow taken to the extremes of cartoon cuteness even more. Wii Moo Moos are good cows. They just didn’t Great cows.
Fortunately, Mario Kart 8 split the difference, making the residents of Moo Moo Meadows much more rounded and many dumber. Are they still blocking the road? Of course, that’s the point of Moo Moo Meadows. But it feels less like they’re doing it out of spite (like those on the Wii) and more like they’re too stupid to live. I like it. I like these cows.
Keep scrolling to page two to discover my top six gaming cows… 🐮
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